Originally printed in The Daily Targum, April 14, 1994
This one makes about as much sense as sticking one's private parts in a tape deck and pushing 'rewind.'
If it weren't for senioritis, life would just be RCGA elections, studying, and deciding who becomes the next Prime Minister of Japan. Luckily, since there is the miracle cure of senioritis, I have to care about none of the above. Let me explain.
First of all, for those of you who haven't noticed, yesterday and today are RCGA elections, where common citizens like you and me can decide what candidates we want to make fun of during the next year or so. In the past, I have taken a very strong stance in support of (or against) candidates or parties, because I really thought that the individuals elected could make a difference. These days, I only support parties, because they have alcohol, which is something I greatly support since I finished my thesis.
Personally, I am in favor of dissolving the political parties we have, and creating political parties--take the RCGA money, buy a lot of beer, rent out the RAC, and have a great time. This is because I have been afflicted with senioritis; a recurring theme of this column.
Okay, back to elections. You should vote, but don't vote for any candidates. Instead, you should write in Mickey Mouse. In Iowa during the 1988 Democratic primaries, some overly concerned citizens with a lot of free time formed 'The Committee of Concerned Citizens for the Election of Mickey Mouse.' They organized a huge campaign, and succeeded in garnering enough votes to make Mickey come in 2nd, behind Tom Harkin. No other candidate ran, because it was Harkin's home state. So Tom Harkin lost 7 percent of the vote to a cartoon character.
Shortly thereafter, to prevent a similar occurrence, the Iowa State Legislature passed a law stating that votes cast for fictional characters would not be counted. In the 1992 primaries, after another write-in campaign sponsored by 'The Committee of Concerned Citizens for the Election of Abraham Lincoln,' Tom Harkin lost 6 percent of the vote to someone who was not only less fictional than Mickey Mouse, but less animated as well.
The above story, which I might or might not have made up entirely, was all due to senioritis. You know when it gets really late at night, and you've been working all day, and still have too much work to do, and you start getting silly? I'm at that point in my college career.
And now, let's talk about all the studying I'm doing these days. (Long pause.)
And now, let's talk about the Prime Minister of Japan, because they don't have one. That's right, Morihiro Hosokawa stepped down as Prime Minister, due to all the pressure, and it is up to me and my spare time, which I now have scads of, to decide whom the next leader should be. I was thinking about Mickey Mouse or Abraham Lincoln, but it's been done. So I was thinking that soon, since Melanie Santos will be stepping down as RCGA president, she can take over the job of Japanese Prime Minister. I understand that they need soap in the Diet Chambers.
But Melanie is not Japanese, and the Japanese people need someone with whom they can racially and ethnically identify, so I think that a better choice would perhaps be found in Godzilla. I guarantee that there would be fewer outbursts in the Diet chambers.
If you haven't noticed, I have senioritis, because I've basically finished everything I have to do at Rutgers. By the time this column is printed, I will have: 1) an oral exam, and 2) a final. That's it. I don't even have classes on Mondays, Wednesdays, or Fridays. For all of you who are suffering through classes and finals pressure, I have one thing to say: Suck it up and deal.
This month, I'm going to do all the things I've wanted to do in four years, and never had the time. I'm going to play frisbee golf in Douglass. I'm going to play real golf on Busch. I'm going to visit Livingston, just to see what it's like. And I'm going to drink every night, sleep until noon every day, and play computer games until it's time to drink again.
(Note: I am twenty-one. I don't encourage underage drinking. If you come to a party I throw in the next month, you must be twenty-one to drink. Wink wink.)
So, there you have it. In the short space of one column, I've carefully analyzed the RCGA elections, the Japanese political system, frisbee golf, and sucking/dealing. I have, in the past, been criticized for not writing about substantive issues, so this week, I tackled four. Who I can't be serious? Who says I can't write hard-hitting analyses? Who says why ask why?
Don't ask me. I have senioritis.
Jason Gottlieb is a Rutgers College senior (how'd you guess?) majoring
in playing computer solitaire, wasting time, and downloading dirty pictures
from the Rutgers computer system. He has one that looks a lot like Melanie