Originally printed in The Daily Targum, March 31, 1994
The British are coming! The British are coming!
Last week, The Daily Targum received a envelope from an anonymous source which contained dozens of documents detailing the British attempt to kill everyone who is not British and rule the world. (It wasn't really a revelation to some of us.) Here's an example of what this noble and brave person sent us: 'Politicians and students warning Americans will be killed. Its (sic) is a big secret that the British rule Russia to scare the USA into doing what the British want; British run China to scare Russia, and then they scare everybody else with USA planes.'
I thought to myself, 'Jason, you big lug, it's just somebody's idea of a joke. A hoax. Like War of the Worlds. This isn't serious.'
If I only knew then...
As an investigative reporter (kind of), it was my moral obligation to discover the truth and to tell the innocent people of the Rutgers community about the pervasive threat that loomed over them. As I continued to read the evidence, I learned that the British, through their American 'front companies' like General Foods, McDonalds, Pillsbury, Kellogs, Coke, and Pepsi, were planning on poisoning the American people, and addicting the world to horrible drugs such as caffeine and sugar. The British company Standard and Poor, in league with Her Majesty's Secret Service, bombed the World Trade Center, and then had the nerve to blame it on Islamic Fundamentalists. The British Secret Service set the fires in Southern California, knowing that the residents would then sell their houses at lowered prices to British 'fronts.'
These are scary charges; but they are most scary because they are all absolutely true! That's right--I, Jason Gottlieb, Investigator Extraordinaire-at-large, have discovered the truth, and the truth needs to be told to the Rutgers community, lest more innocents die at the hands of the British.
As the documents say, 'You are looking at the scandal of the century.' Evidently, the British, who were in league with the Nazis and Japan in World War II (never mind the firebombing of London--it was all perpetrated by the British for sympathy), have devised a plan to take over the world by killing anyone in their way. According to these sources, reliably typed on nice paper and anonymously mailed, the 'British killed Jesus Christ,' and they 'have closed perfectly valuable old theatres in order to force young people to go to new cineplexes with LOW ceilings so they can pump germs into the theater.'
So far, the truth of all of these allegations can be seen in everyday life. If the British run Russia in order to scare America, of course they need to run China, in order to scare Russia. It makes perfect sense! Addiction to caffeine? The Brits sure addicted me. The British fooled everyone in America into believing that Islamic Fundamentalists were responsible for the WTC bombing (with some help from an overzealous prosecutor), and residents who have had their houses completely burned down in Southern California are selling those same houses at very low prices. And as for cineplexes, well, we all knew they had to be something evil.
And let's face it, the British have made Christianity so boring, it naturally follows that they killed Christ. (At least there's somebody not blaming the Jews for that one.)
Not yet convinced? Listen to this evidence that was presented to us: 'Tuition will be raised so that the classes can be divided into rich and poor. Then the British use the Nietzche theory to kill both ends of society but more rich than poor.' Jesus, people of Rutgers, wake up! I mean, CARE has been telling us this for years! Oh, and speaking of Jesus, Nietzche is the anti-Christ. The British Secret Service are not Christians, but 'Nietzscheans.' Kind of makes you think about James Bond, huh?
The British have already tested their plot: according to the evidence, they 'purposely addicted the entire population on the island of Niue to find out how long it takes for a beer sugar, alcohol sugar, wine sugar fed person to get diabetes followed by schizophrenia (insanity) and blindness. Then the British cut off the supply and while people go into withdrawal pain the British trained forces march in to take control of the country.' You can laugh, but I've seen this happen, and not just on the strategically and economically important island of Niue. It happen last week at my friend's off-campus party, when the British-trained Rutgers cops came in and busted everyone who was too 'insane' from beer to stop them.
So, it's painfully obvious that the British are coming. No, they're already here. They own us. They control us. I mean, never mind all that historical crap about 'The sun never sets on the Union Jack.' You think they controlled the world before? China? India? The Carribean? Africa? That was nothing compared to what they control now. And you thought England was a second rate country only good for cute Schweppes commercials. Well, Schweppes is in on it too! The joke is on us!
The Magnum Corporation, a British company on the British stock exchange, is the major front for this operation. Coincidentally, their USA headquarters is an Dallas, Texas, on the LBJ Freeway. Tell me they didn't take part in the Kennedy assassination.
The moral of this story? Someone out there was way too much free time. Or is really sick. If they sell the rights to Oliver Stone, though, they can be sick and rich.
If you don't see me in classes this week, you know why-it's because the British Secret Service has 'gotten to me,' the same way they got to Kennedy, and the same way they'll get to you soon enough.
Either that, or I'm skipping class to play frisbee. Whichever.