A Permanent Problem
That she would ask this question one day was
inevitable. I had been waiting quite some time for it, but had felt
that it was probably still a few years away. Whether sooner or later
though, that it would be asked was pre-ordained more than eleven
years ago, the day I found out that our yet-to-be-born child was an
'XX' type ... "Dad, can I get a 'perm'?"
Himi is currently an elementary school student, in
grade five. It may be that getting a permanent is a current fad among
her age group, or perhaps it is her own idea. She and her nine year
old sister do seem to have a lot of interest in their hair-styles,
and I think this is readily explained by the fact that as they are
still too young to be involved with make-up, and as they don't really
have a large selection of clothes from which to choose, 'doing' their
hair is thus about the only form of physical self-expression they
have available to them. One day it's a ponytail, the next it's
braids, and then the next day it's something else entirely. There
seems no end to the permutations, and they have amassed a large
basketful of accessories to assist with the job: ribbons, elastics,
pins, clips, and dozens of other odds and ends for fastening and
decorating hair.
Realizing the personal nature of this morning
chore of theirs (and not only mornings), I try to keep pretty much
out of their way in this matter. My job these days is simply to offer
opinions when asked. "Yes, that looks fine." "Sure, that's OK."
"Mmmm, nice job!" Occasionally when things get a bit out of hand,
when somebody simply can't decide what style is suitable, and
school-time is drawing closer ... then I reluctantly get involved,
'suggesting' a resolution to the dilemma, perhaps say, Option 'A'.
This is inevitably rejected, and they suddenly find that Option 'B'
is the only way to go ... but at least they do then get off to school
on time.
In all fairness though, I must admit that this
'hands off' attitude of mine is a fairly recent state of affairs.
From the time they were born, right up until they were nine and seven
respectively, they never had their hair cut, as I had very much
enjoyed having two daughters who looked so 'cute', with beautiful
silky long hair cascading down their back. It was very long indeed,
right down to their waists, and was a lot of trouble to take care of.
But I didn't complain, and along with their mother, I took my turn
shampooing, drying, and brushing it. We must have spent endless hours
caring for their hair, but to my mind, it was worth it. They looked
absolutely beautiful. I couldn't wait until they became tall and
elegant young women, each with a stunning waterfall of hair
...
But of course you all know what came next. As they
grew bit by bit, and as their own personalities developed, so did
their desire to try something different. They wanted to cut their
hair. I dug in my heels and refused. My justification was simple,
"You're too young to be able to make decisions like this for
yourself. If you cut it, tomorrow you'll just be crying because you
made a mistake. You can do what you want with your own hair later
..." Just when was 'later'? As far as I was concerned, it meant
basically never, but at some point we had to quantify this, and we
established that, "When you become middle school students, you can
decide things like hair-styles for yourself, but until then, 'Father
knows best.'"
But the two girls haven't been the only ones
'growing up'. During the years that they have been developing, I too
have changed. Having kids has been quite a learning experience for
me, and many of the ideas and attitudes with which I started out have
been altered or discarded along the way. (Did I say 'many'? How about
'all'!) Perhaps the biggest of these was my perception of a family as
an organization similar to a business, with a 'boss' at the top (or
'bosses'), and then a bunch of people lower down, who followed orders
and did as they were told. I don't mean a kind of Victorian
super-strictness, but simply that the demarcation of authority was
clear, and absolute. Decisions were made on a 'top down' basis. My
way of thinking was perhaps also influenced to some degree by the
fact that during the years my children were being born, I was
employed as manager of a business, with considerable authority over,
and responsibility for, a number of employees. Dozens of times a day,
they would come to me for advice or direction. "Dave, how should I
handle this?" "Dave, what do we do here ...?" etc., etc. I snapped
out decisions right and left, day after day. Second only to the owner
of the company, I was the 'decision man'. So I make no apology for
carrying this attitude over into my family life. And I don't think I
was particularly unusual in doing that ...
But as I said, I've been learning lessons from my
kids, and have come to realize that imposition of absolute authority
over family matters by a parent is misguided. Although it may be a
good system for organizations such as the military, where people are
rigidly 'pegged' into place, and where obedience is a fundamental
requirement of the structure, if this pattern is applied rigourously
to a family, it breeds over-dependence, lack of ability to think for
oneself, and general resentment all around.
I should make it clear before I go any further,
that I'm not recommending that children be allowed to do anything
they want. Young kids are not adults, have a very un-developed grasp
of such concepts as responsibility and consequences, and do need firm
guidance. But there is obviously a long sliding scale - from the
newborn baby who requires all decisions to be taken by the parent,
right up to that young adult just leaving the nest, who needs only
words of advice (impartial, and on request only). It is the parent's
job to walk along this 'slope', trying to strike the right balance
between control and guidance.
So getting back to the hair story ... a couple of
years ago, when their mother was visiting from Canada for the summer,
and the three of them pestered me about cutting their hair, I finally
admitted that a father had no business dictating such things as the
length of his daughters' hair, and turned it over to them, to act as
they saw fit. Of course, they both went for a haircut right away, and
when they came home from the beauty shop that afternoon, proud of
their new 'short cuts', I congratulated them on their fresh new
appearance. And it was true. They looked great! And there were
neither tears nor recriminations ...
Since that time, I have really tried to be
conscious of not imposing my own desires on them, and have tried to
let them make as many decisions for themselves as possible. Sometimes
they go too far, and act irresponsibly; eating too many afternoon
snacks, skipping some important school homework, or staying up too
late; but they are gradually learning that each time they do
something like this, there is inevitably a price exacted - either a
stomach-ache, an angry teacher, or being late for school the next
morning. They certainly make mistakes, but overall, I think they are
not doing so badly ... And because they know that I do not impose
arbitrary rules and orders, they are generally willing to follow my
directions when necessary.
We are now entering the minefield of their teen
years, a time of life when most of us try and rebel to some degree
against the authority and rules that surround us. I don't have too
many illusions about this, and fully expect that we will have our
share of battles, but I would like to think that we can avoid a great
many of the more trivial reasons for parent/teen friction. Like
perms, for example.
I will express no preference either way on this
one, and it will be up to her to choose. If she is willing to make
the necessary investment, I will support her choice (we usually go
50/50 on the cost of such things, kids paying their share out of the
allowance I pay them for the considerable amount of housework they
do). There will remain only one obstacle. Although her father is
trying not to 'dominate' all her decision making, she must also
consider the viewpoint of that other important institution in her
life, and I rather suspect that they may have something to say about
this one ...