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Robert Kidd Collection |
| Serial No. | Title | Story | Date |
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| 001 | Weekly HA!HA! From 99 RED BALLOONS | On 99/02/08 Mr. Greenwood received a series of letters from clowns@gol.com
(Robert Kidd). Every letters start as follows. Hello again, Welcome to the Weekly HA!HA! from 99 RED BALLOONS. (http://www.99-red-balloons.com). To subscribe click here: MAILTO:clowns@gol.com To submit a joke click here: MAILTO:clowns@gol.com To unsubscribe(Why?)click here: MAILTO:clowns@gol.com @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ 99 RED BALLOONS INC. Clowns & Balloons <;o) Add laughter to your life. MAILTO:clowns@gol.com http://www.99-red-balloons.com @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ THIS WEEK'S JOKE 1-21 The world will always benefit from a little more laughter. I hope you have enjoyed at least a tiny little giggle and if so please forward your laughter to all your friends and tell them where it came from. To subscribe to WEEKLY HA!HA! click here: Mailto:clowns@gol.com See you next week. Robert Kidd Director |
2000.1.8 |
| 002 | THIS WEEK'S JOKE 1 | Two men were out hunting and decided to separate to cover more ground. The first man says to the other, "If you get lost fire three shots into the air every hour so I can pinpoint you and find you." After about three hours the second man realizes that he is completely lost. He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man instructed. He then waits an hour and fires three more. He continues this until he is all out of ammo. The next morning, after a long search with the help of Forest Rangers, the first man finally finds his friend huddled under a tree, cold and shivering. "Did you do as I told you to do", he asked the shivering man. "Y..y..yes", said the man. "I fired three shots every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows." THIS WEEK'S PRO-FUN-DITTY: There are two rules if you want to succeed in life. 1) Never tell everything you know. |
2000.1.8 |
| 003 | THIS WEEK'S JOKE 2 |
Two buddies, Bob and Jim, were two of the biggest baseball fans in
America. For their entire adult lives, Bob and Jim discussed baseball history in the winter and they poured over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Jim awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond. "Bob is that you?" Jim asked. "Yes it's me," Bob replied. "This is unbelievable!" Jim exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?" "Well, Jim, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?" "Tell me the good news first." "Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Jim." "Oh, that's great! So what could possibly be the bad news?" "You're pitching tomorrow night." THIS WEEK'S PRO-FUN-DITTY: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on. Winston Churchill |
2000.1.8 |
| 004 | THIS WEEK'S JOKE 3 | Working in the fields one day, Dean's father asked him what he wanted to
be when he grew up. After thinking for awhile, Dean answered "I wanna to be
a engineer". So after graduating high school, Dean left to go to college. His father was surprised at how much his son's education was costing, but figured his son would eventually pay back the investment by doing some worthwhile projects on the farm. Finally, the day of graduation came and his son came home and right away his father put him to work. He said, "Son, you know I've been meaning to clean out the old outhouse we have behind the house. Is there some way we can use what's under there to fertilize the North Forty." Dean walked away with his head down in deep thought. Three days later he proudly came up to his father saying, "Dad, I'm gonna need 12 sticks of dynamite, 30 ft. of fuse, and 3 blastin' caps". Even though his father was quite concerned about this request, he deferred to his son's education, went to the local hardware store and got him what he requested. The next day Dean placed the dynamite at coordinated positions and proceeded to light the fuse and run back behind the house with his father. KABOOOOMMMM! Up went the outhouse in perfect spirals, out went the fertilizer, exactly 2 inches deep over the North Forty. Needless to say, his father was really impressed and thought to himself proudly that his son's education was worth every penny. Down comes the outhouse and lands square on its old foundation. There comes a creak. The outhouse door opens, and grandma steps out, exclaiming, "Sure glad I didn't let that one off in the kitchen!" THIS WEEK'S PRO-FUN-DITTY: The moment you need to knock on wood is also the moment when you realize that the world is composed of glass, vinyl and aluminum. Livin' in the big city. |
2000.1.8 |
| 005 | THIS WEEK'S JOKE 4 | Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see? "Well, I see thousands of stars." "And what does that mean to you?" "Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?" "To me, it means someone has stolen our tent." THIS WEEK'S PRO-FUN-DITTY: Anyone who designs anything foolproof has obviously underestimated the ingenuity of fools. |
2000.1.8 |
| 006 | THIS WEEK'S JOKE 5 | An elephant escaped from the circus and ended up in the garden behind
the house of a man who had never seen an elephant before. Frightened by its
size he immediately called the police. "HELP! HELP!! There's a strange animal in my garden! What should I do?" "Please calm down sir. What kind of animal is it", asked the dispatcher, thinking maybe it's a raccoon or a skunk. "I don't know what it is, I've never seen anything like it." "Well can you describe it to me?" "It's huge, its grey and it has two tails!" The confused cop then asks "What is it doing?" The man says, "With one of its tails, it's picking cabbages out of my garden." The cop then asks, "What is it doing with your cabbages?" And the man replies, "You wouldn't believe me if I told you!" Thought For The Week (Since I only have one a week I have to write them down) A question that has troubled me for years: When you open the door to a dark room, does the light leak in or does the dark leak out? Still wondering. |
2000.1.8 |
| 007 | THIS WEEK'S JOKE 6 | A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes he is lost. He reduces height
and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below looks up quizzically and says, "Yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must work in the Information Technology sector", says the balloonist. "Yes, I do" replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well", says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, and it might mean something to you, but it's of no practical use to anyone." The man below says, "You must be in Upper Level Management in some business." "Yes, I am", replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect someone you've never seen before to be able to help you. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault." Thought For The Week A Defining Moment Advertising (n): The science of arresting human intelligence for long enough to get money from it. -- Stephen Leacock. |
2000.1.8 |
| 008 | THIS WEEK'S JOKE 7 | Bill's had it pretty rough lately but we still can't let him get away
with what he has planned for the new release of his Windows Software. In
Windows 2000 the technicians have revamped many of the error and dialogue
message windows which pop up at inconvenient and unexpected times. Here are a few of the messages you are going to see. 1.Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 2.Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 3.Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. 4.File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) 5.Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N) 6.User Error: Replace user. 7.Windows VirusScan-"Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)" 8.Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way. HA! HA! ~ Thought For The Week "Hatreds are the cinders of affection." Sir Walter Raleigh |
2000.1.8 |
| 009 | THIS WEEK'S JOKE 8 | SOMETHING FOR THE KIDS: A Vector Brain Puzzler An electric train is travelling due south. The wind is coming from the east, which way will the trains' smoke blow? (For the answer read on to the end.) Adults-NO CHEATING! Answer to Vector Brain Puzzler: Electric trains don't give off smoke. HA! HA! |
2000.1.8 |
| 010 | THIS WEEK'S JOKE 9 | Science teachers around the country have submitted their student's best answers to test questions. Here are just a few. The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom. You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. And Just in case you don't hear it, you got hit so never mind. Parallel lines never meet unless you bend one or both of them. Genetics explains why you look like your father and if you don't, why you should. When oxygen is combined with anything, heat is given off. This is known as constipation. As the rain forests in the Amazon are shrinking, so are the Indians. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water. The largest mammals are to be found in the sea because there is nowhere else to put them. (I sure hope this was just the Midterm Test! R.) HA! HA! Thought For The Week "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." Mark Twain |
2000.1.8 |
| 011 | THIS WEEK'S JOKE 10 | SOMETHING FOR THE KIDS: Any Lawyers out there? Joe and Sam have been feuding neighbors for years. Joe has a potato plant that is growing near the edge of his property. Sam says he wants to pick any potato he sees growing over his fence. Can Sam pick the potato? (For the answer read on to the end.) Adults-NO CHEATING! Answer: Potatoes grow underground! Ha! Ha! |
2000.1.8 |
| 012 | THIS WEEK'S JOKE 11 | A compulsive worrier one day seemed to have made an incredible change in
his life. All his friends noticed the difference and they finally asked him
how he had managed to change his attitude. He told them he had hired a
"Professional Worrier" for $1,000 a week. "A $1,000 a week!", they exclaimed. "How can you afford that?" "That's his problem", he answered. THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "It is never safe to look into the future with eyes of fear." -- Edward Henry Harriman |
2000.1.8 |
| 013 | THIS WEEK'S JOKE 12 | Can you name an animal that has eyes and cannot see; legs and cannot
walk, ears and cannot hear, but can jump as high as the Empire State
Building? (ANSWER AT BOTTOM) THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "People are afraid of the future, of the unknown. If we can only face up to it and take the dare of the future we can have some control over our destiny." -- John Glenn ANSWER: A wooden horse has eyes but cannot see, legs but cannot walk, ears but cannot hear and the Empire state building cannot jump. |
2000.1.8 |
| 014 | THIS WEEK'S JOKE 13 | Parenthood is not something to be taken lightly and the prospect of
becoming a parent is often overwhelming so here are a few "Practise Tips" to
prepare both mom and dad for the real thing. Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag chair down the front. Leave it there for nine months. After nine months, remove 10% of the beans. Men: To prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Next, go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to its head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time. MEN AND WOMEN: To discover how the nights with a newborn feel, walk around the living room from 5 P.M. until 10 P.M. carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds. At 10 P.M. put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 A.M. and walk around the living room again with the bag until 1 A.M. Put the alarm on for 3 A.M. Since you can't go back to sleep, get up at 2 A.M. and make a pot of tea. Go to bed at 2:45 A.M. Get up again at 3 A.M. when the alarm goes off, sing songs in the dark until 4 A.M. Put the alarm on for 5 A.M. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. THE CLEANING: To find out if you can stand the mess children make, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look? DRESSING: Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems. First buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this--all morning. CRAFTS AND ENTERTAINMENT: Entertaining a child is a full time job but here's a few hints to help you out. Get an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now get a toilet paper tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of CoCo Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the "Pre-school Play Time Committee". GOING FOR A WALK: Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it again. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand until all the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You're now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk. |
2000.1.8 |
| 015 | THIS WEEK'S JOKE 13 continued | CREATING THE PERFECT FAMILY CAR: Forget the Miata and buy the mini-van. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size bag of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There! Perfect! SHOPPING TRIPS Go to your local supermarket. Take the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child with you. A fully grown goat is an excellent match. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this DO NOT even contemplate having children. FEEDING YOUR CHILD Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Fruit Loops and attempt to spoon it into the hole of the swaying melon while pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Fruit Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. Throw some on the wall for good measure. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old child. THE FINAL TEST After you have practised the above, take a few moments to sit down, relax, listen to the silence and think about the times in the future when your child will go off to their first day at school and how empty the house will seem. Think of the first time they bring home a painting they made just for you because they love you so much. Think of their first swimming lesson and how happy or sad or frightened they might be. Think of their graduation ceremony and try not to cry. Do the same when you imagine them getting married. Finally, take the time to remember that you were once a child too and to realize that your parents' struggle with you was all worth it and that all the soggy Froot Loops and rotten fish sticks in the world could never spoil the love between a parent and a child. |
2000.1.8 |
| 016 | THIS WEEK'S JOKE 14 | After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a
young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to
try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt
that this was their last chance. When they arrived at the counsellor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless. The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays." |
2000.1.8 |
| 017 | THIS WEEK'S JOKE 15 | Recently a magazine asked people to submit "Stupid Memos". Actual memos
received from the management of real companies. Here are a few of the
best/worst. 1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.) 2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems which we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping) 3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company) 4. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service) 7. Quoting the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation) 9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division) 10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division) And if that wasn't enough, here's another little laugh all for the same low price! A man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if he has something for the hiccups. The pharmacist reaches over the counter and slaps the man hard in the face. "What was that for!?", asks the man. "Do you still have the hiccups", asks the pharmacist. "Well no, but my wife out in the car still does." |
2000.1.8 |
| 018 | THIS WEEK'S JOKE 16 | THE VAN GOGH FAMILY TREE After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had a very large extended family. Here's a description of some of his closer relatives. His obnoxious brother...............................Please Gogh His dizzy aunt .....................................Verti Gogh The brother who ate prunes..........................Gotta Gogh The constipated uncle ..............................Cant Gogh The brother who worked at a convenience store.......Stopn Gogh The brother who bleached his clothes white..........Hue Gogh The cousin from Illinois............................Chica Gogh His magician uncle..................................Wherediddy Gogh His Mexican cousin..................................Amee Gogh The Mexican cousin's American half brother..........Grin Gogh The nephew who drove a stage coach .................Wellsfar Gogh The ballroom dancing aunt...........................Tan Gogh A sister who loved disco............................Go Gogh The bird lover uncle................................Flamin Gogh His nephew psychoanalyst............................E Gogh The fruit loving cousin.............................Man Gogh An aunt who taught positive thinking................Wayto Gogh The little bouncy nephew............................Poe Gogh And his niece who travels the country in a van......Winnie Bay Gogh HA! HA! |
2000.1.8 |
| 019 | THIS WEEK'S JOKE 17 | Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study. The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything. Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to two separate classrooms to take the exam. Each boy just shrugged and went to two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the directions: "For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom. For 95 points, tell me WHICH TIRE WENT FLAT!" HA! HA! AND ANOTHER ONE "Mummy, that dentist wasn't painless like he advertised." "Why, did he hurt you?" "No! but he yelled just like any other dentist when I bit his finger." HA! HA! |
2000.1.8 |
| 020 | THIS WEEK'S JOKE 18 | Here's a few quickies for those of you who are in a rush! "Someday I'd like a little brother," a boy mused to a friend. "There is only so much that you can blame on a dog." The word "politics" describes the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures". What's the difference between a pizza and a writer? The pizza can feed a family of four. HA! HA! AND SOME MORE Some useless facts you probably wish you didn't know. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE. Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day. Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider? Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. Polar bears are left handed. A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death. An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. Starfish haven't got brains. HA! HA! |
2000.1.8 |
| 021 | THIS WEEK'S JOKE 19 | Three old men were sitting on a bench in Florida when a reporter
approached them. "I wonder if you three would be willing to do an interview
and tell us your secret to long life," the reported asked. The three old men
agreed. The first old man was asked his secret to his long life. "I never drank alcohol, I never smoked tobacco and I have been married to the same woman for fifty years." "Wow, thats really remarkable!" said the reporter. "And how old are you?" he asked the second man. "I'm 93", said the man. The second man was asked the same question on his secret to long life. "I drank on occasion, I smoked, but not often and I dated some." "And how old are you?" asked the reporter. "I'm 91", said the old man. Finally, the reporter approached the third old man and asked his secret to a long life. "I dated every woman that would go out with me, I drank until I passed out and I smoked three packs of cigarettes a day." "Wow!" said the reporter. "And how old are you?" "29," replied the man. HA! HA! |
2000.1.8 |