| |
Collection of Jokes |
| Serial No. | Title | Jokes | Dates |
|---|---|---|---|
| 009 | DE RULES FOR MAK START DE TUR-BEEN | De firs ting his for commence de hoil pomp. Wan de pressur
hits Ho-K, den commence de tur-been. Hopen de trottle walve pretty
slow, so de steam what his turn to water has come out de leetle hole on
de bottom. Wan de water anit no more, plug de leetle hole, shut de
walve, han hoppen de trottle some more. Wan de tur-been has start for
turn over, (not de whole machine, joost de rotor), den shut de trottle
walve. Now'd de time for look to see hif you hear someting; wan you look good and don't hear someting, she his Ho-K for mak go more fast. Look de hoil press-sur; look de water; look de steam; look hefryting, and hif she's Ho-K, kick him to top speed. Now hif he anit blow hup by now, she's Ho-K for put de load. Try firs de hexiter to see hif she work. Put you one han hon de wire, de hodder han on de turbeen. Hif you han feel like you foct's asleep, she's Ho-K. Now hefryting his good for de load so shut de switch han let her go. Hall de time de hengineer mus walk aroun de turbeen and look for something. Hif ycu no find, dats good. But look hannyway so you Boss tink you good hengineer. |
93/12/31 |
| 016 | CONSTRUCTION DEFINITIONS | Contractor - A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal. Bid Opening - A poker game in which the losing hand wins. Bid - A wild guess carried out to two decimal places. Low Bidder - A contractor who is wondering what he left out. Engineer's Estimate - the cost of construction in heaven. Project Manager - The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union. Critical Path Method - A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control. OSHA - A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs and baloney usually applied at random with a shotgun. Strike - An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken. Delayed Payment - A tourniquet applied at the pockets. Completion Date - The point at which liquidated damages begin. Liquidated Damages - A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible. Auditor - People who go in after the war is lost and bayonet the wounded. Lawyer - People who go in after the auditors and strip the bodies. -Author Unknown |
94/5/4 |
| 035 | Nigerian SOS original
|
Following fax came in at 21/07/'95 S.O.S. HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL MR DAVID BROWN TELEFAX, 234-42-253265 ENUGU NIGERIA TO: THE PRESIDENT Sir, I am MR. DAVIS BROWN the only son of the Late General Joshua P. BROWN of the Nigerian Army. My father served the Gen. Abacha's led Military Government faithfully in various capacities as Minister and Chairman of PETROLEUM TRUST FUND. He was however arrested on 3rd June 1995 for his suspected role in the recent aborted Military coup to topple the Government of Abacha. My father while in detention was humiliated and tortured by Abacha's Security Operatives inspite of his failing health and as a result he died in detention on the 30th day of June, 1995. Before his death, he confided to me about the existence of Eighteen Million Five hundred and sixty-five thousand United States Dollars ($18.565M US) which he secretly lodged in a Vault. I am presently the only person in my family who is privy to this information, and the money is right now in my custody. Since his arrest, my family has been subjected to untold hardship and harrassement. All my father's Assets have been confiscated. His accounts frozen and we have been driven out of our family house in Abuja. In consulted our family Lawyer over this and he advised me not to attempt carrying the money out of the country since there are security Operatives both in the Seaports and Airports since the aborted coup. I was advised to contact a foreigner Overseas, Otain his consent to open an account here in Niqeria with his name to facilitate easy transfer of the said fund into his overseas accounts. Sir, Please I want to you to asist me and my family. I will compensate you generously to as much as 25% of the said amount at stake if only you can help me. I and my family will use the remaining 75% to start a new life and seek a new happiness in Overseas. Sir, this deal demands expediency secrecy and absolute trust. Our destiny is in your hands, don't abandon us. As soon as this transaction is concluded I will apply on behalf of my family (and you will assist us) to secure political asylum overseas. Please asist us to escape this spectre of polltical persecution going on in Nigeria. While I thank you in anticipation of your co-operation, I count on your honour to keep my Secret, SECRET. Yours, DAVID BROWN (Sending mail like this is the act against the Article 419 of criminal law of Nigeria) |
96/10/13 |
| 038 | Dr. Ruth's gide to Safe Fax Oil Week 1991.2.18. |
Q. Do I have to be married to have Fax? A. Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax completely strangers every day. Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young and were only allowed to write memos to each other until they were 21. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax? A. Faxing can be performed at any age once you have learned the correct procedures. Q. If I fax something to myself, Will I go blind? A. Certainly not, as far as I can see. Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay for fax. Is this legal? A. Yes, Many people have no other outlet for their fax drive and pay a "professional" when their need to fax becomes too great. Q. Should a cover always be used for faxing? A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should be used to ensure safe fax. |
92/8/25 |
| 041 | Project Management under hard competition | Managing projects in this environment is similar to raising
cattle in some of the more barren area of Texas where it is said that a
cow must graze at 60 miles per hour simply to stay alive. Norm Augustine |
98.6.16 |
| 043 | Nigerian SOS version2 |
ATTN:xxx MUSTAFA CORPORATIONS ENUGU, NIGERIA. TELEFAX 234-42-456800 18th AUGUST, 1998 SIR, HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL EXCUSE ME FOR THE EMBARRASSMENT THIS LETTER MIGHT CAUSE TO YOU AS WE HAVE NOT KNOW BEFORE. I GOT YOUR ADDRESS CARD FROM A BUSINESS FRIEND HERE IN NIGERIA. WHO DOSE NOT KNOW MY REASON OF WRITING YOU. I AM DR. SULE MUSTAFA, THE DIRECTOR GENERAL, FEDERAL MINISTRY OF SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY ABUJA. FOLLOWING THE DEATH OF THE FORMER HEAD OF STATE, GENERAL SANI ABACHA AND THE NEW GOVERNMENT OF GENERAL ABDULSALAMI ABUBARKA, WE THE DIRECTORS WHO WAS APPOINTED BY THE ABACHA TENURE HAS BEEN THREATENED WITH SUDDEN RETIREMENT FROM OFFICE. AS THE DIRECTOR GENERAL, I AWARDED CONTRACTS WORTH MILLION US DOLLARS, IN MY MINISTRY. THE CONTRACT JOB HAS BEEN DONE AND THE COMPANY HAS ALSO BEEN PAID. NOW AS AN AGREEMENT REACHED WITH THEM A SPECIAL SUM OF TWENTY EIGHT MILLION US DOLLARS ($28 MILLION US) WAS LEFT FOR ME TO CLAIM. BUT AS A CIVIL SERVANT, I CANNOT HAVE SUCH AMOUNT IN MY NIGERIA ACCOUNT. I THEN DECIDED TO CONTACT YOU, FOR YOU TO CLAIM THIS MONEY INTO YOUR FOREIGN ACCOUNT BEFORE MY RETIREMENT, AFTER WHICH I WILL COME OVER TO YOUR COUNTRY AND WE SHARE IT, AS GOING TO BE AGREED BETWEEN US. I BELIEVE MY POINTS ARE CLEARIFIED. FOR SUBSEQUENT CONTACTS, WILL EXPLAIN AND CLEARIFY BETTER. IF YOU ARE WILLING TO HELP OUT FOR THE PROPOSAL. SEND YOUR REPLY THROUGH MY TELEFAX NUMBER 234 - 42 - 456800. AS SOON AS YOU RECEIVE THIS LETTER. I HOPE TO HEAR FRQM YOU. MAY ALLAH BLESS YOU. DIRECTOR DR. S. MUSTAFA (Sending mail like this is the act against the Article 419 of criminal law of Nigeria) |
98.9.29 |
| 045 | IMF | I am fired. I am finished. impossible to forecast. It's mainly fiscal. I'm fine. I'm MOF. It's amere function. I am fatigued Asahi Shinbun Fnahasi Yoichi |
98.10.23 |
| 046 | The laws of physics are not to be disobeyed. | My friend in Tokyo e-mailed to me following article. He does
not know who wrote it. According to Asahi Shin bun of June 10 2000, this lawsuit was reported in Washington Post in September 1999. The story of hydrogen beer was spread by e-mail. The oldest one has a date of January 1, 1994. It was first reported by New York Times in March 1996. It was sent by Andrew Pollak. Even Physical Review, October 1997 of American Physical Society reported the same story. Most of Japanese think this is a fake story because, Asaka is unfamiliar name. Asaka is a name for Japanese rice wine made by Nakatani Shyuzou in Nara. TOKYO (AP) The recent craze for hydrogen beer is at the heart of a three way lawsuit between unemployed stockbroker Toshira Otoma, the Tike-Take?karaoke bar and the Asaka Beer Corporation. Mr. Otoma is suing the bar and the brewery for selling toxic substances and is claiming damages for grievous bodily harm leading to the loss of his job. The bar is countersuing for defamation and loss of customers. The Asaka Beer corporation brews "Suiso" brand beer, where the carbon dioxide normally used to add fizz has been replaced by the more environmentally friendly hydrogen gas. A side effect of this has made the beer extremely popular at karaoke sing-along bars and discotheques. Hydrogen, like helium, is a gas lighter than air. Because hydrogen molecules are lighter than air, sound waves are transmitted more rapidly; individuals whose lungs are filled with the nontoxic gas can speak with an uncharacteristically high voice. Exploiting this quirk of physics, chic urbanites can now sing soprano parts on karaoke sing-along machines after consuming a big gulp of Suiso beer. The flammable nature of hydrogen has also become another selling point, even though Asaka has not acknowledged that this was a deliberate marketing ploy. It has inspired a new fashion of blowing flames from one's mouth using a cigarette as an ignition source. Many new karaoke videos feature singers shooting blue flames in slow motion, while flame contests take place in pubs everywhere. "Mr. Otoma has no-one to blame but himself. If he had not become drunk and disorderly, none of this would have happened. Our security guards undergo the most careful screening and training before they are allowed to deal with customers" said Mr. Takashi Nomura, Manager of the Tike-Take bar. "Mr. Otoma drank fifteen bottles of hydrogen beer in order to maximize the size of the flames he could belch during the contest. He catapulted balls of fire across the room that Gojira would be proud of, but this was not enough to win him first prize since the judgment is made on the quality of the flames and that of the singing, and after fifteen bottles of lager he was badly out of tune." "He took exception to the result and hurled blue fireballs at the judge, singeing the front of Mrs. Mifune's hair, entirely removing her eyebrows and lashes, and ruining the clothes of two nearby customers. None of these people have returned to the bar. When our security staff approached he turned his attentions to them, making it almost impossible to approach him. Our head bouncer had no choice but to hurl himself at Mr. Otoma's knees, knocking his legs from under him." "The laws of physics are not to be disobeyed, and the force that propelled Mr. Otoma's legs backwards also pivoted around his center of gravity and moved his upper body forward with equal velocity. It was his own fault he had his mouth open for the next belch, his own fault he held a lighted cigarette in front of it and it is own fault he swallowed that cigarette." "The Tike-Take bar takes no responsibility for the subsequent internal combustion, rupture of his stomach lining, nor the third degree burns to his esophagus, larynx and sinuses as the exploding gases forced their way out of his body. His consequential muteness and loss of employment are his own fault." Mr. Otoma was unavailable for comment. |
99.1.23 |
| 049 | Beer Operating Systems | Thought you might enjoy a beer with your hacking. This comes
from Craig Corley, Chief Bottle-washer of the Pacific Gravity Brew Club in Culver City. Ron Beer joke of the Month: Contributed by Craig Corley Beer Operating Systems Dos Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2-oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it is no longer available. Mac Beer: At first, came only in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz.can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical when you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trash can. Windows 3.1 Beer: The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking a Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it. Windows 195 Beer: The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but taste more like windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16-oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows '95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS Beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew. Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truck-load. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beers, But the company promises to change the can to look just like the Window's '95 Beer. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars. |
99.7.28 |
| 050 | Old Heinz | Old Heinz had worked down at the brewery for years, but
oneday he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into a vat of beer and drowned. The foreman thought it should be his job to inform Heinz's widow about his death. He went over to her place and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Heinz passed away at work today when he fell into a vat and drowned." She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?" "I don't think so," said the foreman. "He got out three times to go to the men's room." Ron's mail |
2000.4.6 |
| 051 | Comprehending Engineers: Take One | Two engineering students were walking across campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit anyway." Ron's mail |
2000.4.6 |
| 052 | Comprehending Engineers: Take Two | To the optimist, the glass is half full, To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty, To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. Ron's mail |
2000.4.6 |
| 053 | Comprehending Engineers: Take Three | A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning
for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." -------(Dramatic pause)------ "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea, and I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?" Ron's mail |
2000.4.6 |
| 054 | Comprehending Engineers: Take Four | There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing
all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30
years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted
him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one
of their multimillion-dollar machines. They had tried every thing and
everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In
desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many
of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the
challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark-----------------$1.00 Knowing where to put it---$49,999.00 It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace. Ron's mail |
2000.4.6 |
| 055 | Comprehending Engineers: Take Five | What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets. Ron's mail |
2000.4.6 |
| 056 | Comprehending Engineers: Take Six | Three engineering students were gathered together discussing
the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?" Ron's mail |
2000.4.6 |
| 057 | Comprehending Engineers: Take Seven | Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet." Ron's mail |
2000.4.6 |
| 058 | Comprehending Engineers: Take Eight | An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing
whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" The Engineer said, "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done" Ron's mail |
2000.4.6 |
| 059 | Comprehending Engineers: Take Nine | An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called
out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful
princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into
a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and, returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog...that's cool!" Ron's mail |
2000.4.6 |
| 062 | Lakers | Now we know why all the Lakers live in Manhattan Beach. Ron The Los Angeles Lakers sign a six-foot-eleven basketball player from war-torn Sierra Leone to a $60 million contract, and he telephones his mother to tell her the good news. "Never mind!" she says angrily, "Don't you know your father's been stabbed and wounded, your sister has been assaulted, and our house has been razed by machine gun fire!" "That's terrible, Mom," he answers, "but we're rich now! We can survive anything! Why blame me?" She replies, "This wouldn't have happened if you hadn't brought us to L.A.!" |
2000.6.4 |
| 063 | Just in case you have a few valuable finds in your yard. | "I just wanted to share this very humorous piece of
information that was sent on to me. It made me barrel laugh out loud
and I hope you all to enjoy it as well. The story behind the letter below is that there is this nut-ball in Newport, RI named Scott Williams (No relation I hope) who digs things out of his backyard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archaeological finds. This guy really exists and does this in his spare time! Anyway...here's the actual response from the Smithsonian Institution. Bear this in mind the next time you think you are challenged in your duty to respond to a difficult situation in writing." ----Ron Smithsonian Institute 207 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, DC 20078 Dear Mr. Williams: Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "93211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post...Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represent conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million year ago. Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be "Malibu Barbie." It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin. To wit: 1) The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone. 2) The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters; well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids. 3) The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene Clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weight rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that: a) The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on. b) Clams don't have teeth. It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon-dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus Back-yardicus. Speaking personally, I for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin. However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your Newport backyard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous metal in a structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive wrench. Yours in Science Harvey Rowe Chief Curator-Antiquities Ron's contribution |
2000.6.23 |
| 064 | FURTHER TO THE "ENGINEER" THING..... | Scientists at NASA developed a gun specifically to launch
dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the
space shuttle. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of
collisions with airborne fowl and to test the strength of the
windshields in collisions at maximum velocity. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Appropriate intergovernmental arrangements were made and the gun was shipped to England. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof windshield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and asked the U.S. scientists for suggestions. NASA's response was just one sentence: "Thaw the chicken." Ron's contribution |
2000.6.27 |
| 065 | YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN THE BAY AREA WHEN... | Your household income is $150,000+ and you can't afford to
buy a house. You think any Internet access slower than DSL is barbaric, but you can't get it in your neighborhood. You knew what "DSL" stood for years ago. You and your work colleagues almost come to blows deciding whether to hit Peet's or Starbucks for your coffee break. You think that "normal, everyday food" includes sushi, naan, pho, pesto, and pad thai. You met your neighbors once. When asked about your commute, you answer in terms of time, not distance. Even though you work 80 hours per week on a computer, for relaxation you read your email and cruise eBay. You have worked at the same job for a year and people call you an "old-timer". The T-shirts you own that you value most feature products that never made it to market. You can name four different programming languages and you're not a programmer. You remember the names of the three closest sushi joints, the location of all the Fry's Electronics stores in the Bay Area, and which companies your friends work for that are going public in the next year -- but you don't know the name of your mayor. Your name appears in one of the following: the credits of at least one piece of software, a movie credit for special effects, or an Internet search. Standing in line at Starbucks, you wonder why all the employees don't call a headhunter and join one of the many companies in Silicon Valley that are desperate for warm bodies. You work six miles from your home and spend two hours a day commuting. Winter is when your lawn grows too fast and summer is when it dies. You live on some of the richest farm land in the world, but most of what's in the stores comes from Florida and South America. Your best friend lives across town but you hardly ever see each other because, after your commute, you're too pooped to spend another hour driving to his home. You have a master's degree in engineering, but half the people in your department either didn't go to college or have history degrees -- except if you have a master's from Stanford, in which case, everyone in your department has a master's degree from Stanford. You cringe when you see people in suits at your office, wondering if someone in management is going to make you stop wearing sandals and T-shirts. You will work for people you dislike if the 401K plan is self directed. You never go to sporting events unless you are given free tickets by your employer. You've seen four movies in the last year on the day they opened, all with the rest of your department during work hours. You could sell your Bay Area house and live like a king in 95% of the rest of the world, but don't because you could not afford to come back -- and you know, as a dyed-in-the-wool techie, you will always want to. Ron's contribution |
2000.6.27 |
| 066 | HRH Proclamation - British response to US election | London, 10th November 2000 To the citizens of the United States of America, Following your failure to elect a President of the USA to govern yourselves and, by extension, the free world, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume a monarch's duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, please comply with the following acts: 1. Look up "revoke" in a dictionary 2. Learn at least the first 4 lines of "God save the Queen" 3. Start referring to "soccer" as football 4. Start driving on the left side of the road. 5. Start carrying umbrellas everywhere. 6. Declare war on Quebec Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your cooperation and... cheerio! Ron's contribution |
2000.11.22 |
| 067 | new sticker for Democrats | Now the election's been "certified' for some, here is the new
sticker for Democrats: DON'T BLAME ME I VOTED FOR GORE (I think) Ron's contribution |
2000.11.28 |
| 068 | multi-president | 6 Presidents on a sinking ship:- Ford says: "What do we do" Bush says: "Man the lifeboats" Reagan says: "What lifeboats" Carter says: "Women first" Nixon says: "Screw the women" Clinton says: "You think we have time?" On to the Supreme Court. Ron's contribution |
2000.11.28 |
| 069 | Santa facts for engineering nerdies!! | A seasonal analysis.... Santa Claus: An engineer's perspective... There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at650 miles per second - 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set weighing two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them ---Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). 600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second crates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m/s in 0.001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500G. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now. Sorry.... Toby's contribution |
2000.12.12 |
| 070 | Spooky Presidents ? | Anyone wondering whether the US Presidency can become any
more unbelievable may be interested in this little part of US history.
Was it coincidence, or fate? Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy ----------------------------------- Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. Shortly after, in 1861, the US Civil War began. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960. Shortly after, in 1961, the US entered the Vietnam War. The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters. Both were shot on a Friday. Both were shot in the head. Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln. Both were assassinated by Southerners Both were succeeded by Southerners. Both successors were named Johnson. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908. John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939. Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names are composed of fifteen letters Lincoln was shot at a theatre named 'Kennedy'. Kennedy was shot in a 'Lincoln' car. Booth ran from the theatre and was caught in a warehouse. Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre. Both Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials. And ... A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland. A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe. -- Toby's contribution |
2000.12.19 |
| 073 | BEGORRA | I hope the IRA doesn't hear about this. Ron Irish Joke Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade when his telephone rang. "Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice says. "This is Paddy, down in County Kildare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!!" "Well, Paddy," Saddam replies, "this is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?" "At this moment in time," says Paddy after a moments' calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Gerry and the entire dominoes team from the park - that makes 8!" Saddam sighs. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begorra!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the next day Paddy rings back. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asks "Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm." Once more Saddam sighs. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke. "Begorra!" says Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified out Ted's ultra light with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!" Saddam is silent for a minute, then sighs. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MiG-19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million." "Faith and begorra!" says Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war." "I'm sorry to hear that," says Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," says Paddy, "we've all had a chat and there's no way we can feed 2 million prisoners." |
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| 071 | Merry Christmas | Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best
wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low
stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter
solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the
religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your
choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all . . . . . and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2001, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make this country, (not to imply that this country is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "country" on this planet), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee. (By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.) Ron's contribution |
2000.12.19 |
| 073 | BEGORRA | I hope the IRA doesn't hear about this. Ron Irish Joke Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade when his telephone rang. "Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice says. "This is Paddy, down in County Kildare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!!" "Well, Paddy," Saddam replies, "this is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?" "At this moment in time," says Paddy after a moments' calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Gerry and the entire dominoes team from the park - that makes 8!" Saddam sighs. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begorra!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the next day Paddy rings back. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asks "Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm." Once more Saddam sighs. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke. "Begorra!" says Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified out Ted's ultra light with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!" Saddam is silent for a minute, then sighs. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MiG-19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million." "Faith and begorra!" says Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war." "I'm sorry to hear that," says Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," says Paddy, "we've all had a chat and there's no way we can feed 2 million prisoners." |
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| 074 | THE REAL ADDRESS | Disregard what you've heard in the media, here is what he
really said. Ron G. W. Bush's Inaugural Address Song (to the tune of "What a Wonderful World" by Sam Cooke) Don't know much about history Don't know much foreign policy Don't remember how I got through school I'm sure I didn't break the rules. But what's it matter 'cause my granny says "Boy, if you want to you can be the prez And what a wonderful world this will be" Don't know much about the women's vote Don't know much about the bill I wrote Don't know much about the foreign vets I've never voted for 'em yet But I do know if your dad tries hard He can get you in the National Guard And what a wonderful place that can be Now I never claimed to be an A student But what's wrong with C's? And maybe by knowing the names of my cabinet I can win their love for me Don't know much about air pollution Don't know much about the constitution Don't know much about th'economy It never much affected me But there's one thing that I know for sure If the rich stay rich and the poor stay poor What a wonderful world this will be Don't know much about the national debt I've never had to pay one yet If we need to we can sell the States To the Japanese at discount rates But I do know if things get bad Dick and I can always call my dad And what a wonderful world this will be Ron's contribution |
2001.1.27 |
| 075 | W AGAIN | sung to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies Theme Song Come and listen to my story 'bout a boy name Bush. His IQ was zero and his head was up his tush. He drank like a fish while he drove all about. But that didn't matter 'cuz his daddy bailed him out. DUI, that is. Criminal record. Cover-up. Well, the first thing you know little Georgie goes to Yale. He can't spell his name but they never let him fail. He spends all his time hangin' out with student folk. And that's when he learns how to snort a line of coke. Blow, that is. White gold. Nose candy. The next thing you know there's a war in Vietnam. Kin folks say, "George, stay at home with Mom." Let the common people get maimed and scarred. We'll buy you a spot in the Texas Air Guard. Cushy, that is. Country clubs. Nose candy. Twenty years later George gets a little bored. He trades in the booze, says that Jesus is his Lord. He said, "Now the White House is the place I wanna be." So he called his daddy's friends and they called the GOP. Gun owners, that is. Falwell. Jesse Helms. Come November 7, the election ran late. Kin folks said "Jeb, give the boy your state!" "Don't let those colored folks get into the polls." So they put up barricades so they couldn't punch their holes. Chads, that is. Duval County. Miami-Dade. Before the votes were counted five Supremes stepped in. Told all the voters "Hey, we want George to win." "Stop counting votes!" was their solemn invocation. And that's how George finally got his coronation. Rigged, that is. Illegitimate. No moral authority. Y'all come vote now. Ya hear? Ron's contribution |
2001.1.27 |
| 077 | Warning labels | Due to increasing products liability, beer manufacturers have
accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following
warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers: Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. Warning: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a wanker. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4am. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical Kung-Fu powers. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species, and/or name you can't remember). Warning: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing with you. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy. Ron's contribution |
2001.5.26 |
| 078 | Quasimodo | After Quasimodo's death, the Bishop of the Cathedral of Notre
Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was
needed. The Bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews
personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had
decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The Bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man. "Observe!." And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The Bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned Bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the Bishop through, one of them asked: "Bishop, who was this man?". "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, I don't know his name............ (for punch line, scroll down) "but his face sure rings a bell" WAIT! WAIT! There's more The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the Bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother Of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.". The Bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he moaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot. The monks, hearing the Bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught Bishop, but..." ( . . Wait for it . . .. ) ( .. . . It's worth it . . ..) ( .. . . It really is. . ..) He's a dead ringer for his brother Ron's contribution |
2001.6.10 |
| 079 | Definition of tragedy | George W. Bush is visiting an elementary school and he visits
one of the 4th grade classes. They are in the middle of a discussion
related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if
he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word,
"tragedy." So Bush asks the class for an example of a "tragedy." One
little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next
door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over,
that would be a tragedy." "No" says Bush, "that would be an accident." A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not" explains Bush. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, way in the back of the room, a boy named Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Correct" exclaims Bush, "That's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" "Well," little Johnny said, "because, like you just told us, it wouldn't be an accident, and it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss." Ron's contribution before September 11 |
2001.8.15 |
| 080 | No endorsement from Engineering Management | All babies start out with the same number of raw cells, which
over nine months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem
occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a
male baby instead. Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cell necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female. Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications center of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs. If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak, and some of their cards are in their shorts. This difference between the male and female brain manifest itself in various ways. Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls. This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins. After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains differs, but the center of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside. Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as Engineers." Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as "Fighter Pilots." A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins. These men are usually referred to as..."Mr. President or Mr. Congressman" And one more: Apparently experiments are being made to defeat hijackers by having airliners exclusively controlled from the ground. The costs will be partly offset by replacing the present crew of two pilots with a single pilot and a dog. The pilot's job will be to feed the dog. The dog's job will be to see that the pilot doesn't TOUCH anything.......... Ron's contribution |
2001.10.12 |
| 081 | Blond Handy Person | A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself
out as a handyman type person and started canvassing a well-to-do
neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it." A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus." Ron's contribution |
2001.10.12 |
| 082 | The Blonde's Car Trouble |
A blonde calls 911 on her cell phone to report that her car
has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cries. The dispatcher says, "Stay calm." "An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." he says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake." Ron's contribution |
2001.10.12 |
| 083 | A BLONDE'S DIET | A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a
diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from skipping." Ron's contribution |
2001.10.12 |
| 084 | Turtle on the post | While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old
Texas rancher whose hand got caught in a gate while working cattle, a
doctor and the old man were talking about George W. Bush being in the
White House. The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a 'post turtle.'" Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was. The old man said, "When you're driving down a country road, and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle." The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he
continued to explain, |
2001.10.12 |
| 085 | A DIFFERENCE IN PHILOSOPHY | Ron mailed following jokes with a comment "Lotus would have
found a way to use a thinner panel with only 1 screw." Each carmaker on the planet has a different philosophy about How a Car Should Be Put Together. Let's take a single case... Let us say there is a single hypothetical panel in a hypothetical car. As a baseline, a totally unbiased (and therefore, Martian) engineer examines this cover and determines that it should be held in place with five phillips-head (crosshead) screws. JAPAN: The Japanese would hold it down with exactly five .05c screws. Boring, reliable, soulless, exactly what is needed. UNITED STATES: For a long time, a US car's panel would be held on with three screws. This has changed, and now not only does it have five screws, all floor workers must have a communal decision as to how many screws it needs, and have the ability to stop the line entirely should a single screw be a funny color. GREAT BRITIAN: As with the US, previously this car's panel would be held on with three screws. Additionally, these screws would be flat-head style and made of Britishinium Metal, a mysterious alloy that can rust sitting under six inches of oil. Nowadays all the car companies have been sold to the US or Germany, so see those entries. FRANCE: Only Americans would be so obnoxious as to think how a panel is held on is important. Unions and employee pride are of far more concern. Please come with us to strike for ten more weeks paid vacation. GERMANY: Every panel on every car is held on with precisely ten aircraft-grade titanium/tungsten alloy nuts and bolts torqued to precisely 15.402 lbs-ft. Replacements are sold only in sets of 20, and typically cost $350US. A German mechanic will explain to you, in graphic detail, exactly what would happen should you use a "lower quality" nut or bolt. RUSSIA: Owing to parts shortages, each panel is welded in place. A cutter costs 8,000,000,000,000,000 rubles (about $12.15 US), and the official wait is approximately 28 months. However, a stranger named "Igor" will sell you a cutter right away for $40 US (cash only). You notice PROPERTY OF SOVIET ARMY scratched out on the side. ITALY (Goes Fast approach): The Italian is somewhat different. If the panel has something to do with making the car Go Fast, it will be just like Germany's entry, with the addition that every bolt head will have a beautiful logo cast into it. ITALY (Everything Else): The italian panel has no screws at all. Rather, it is held in with a very clever arrangement of grommets, snap rings, and C-clips so that it seems to be Part of the Car. However, due to lack of testing, the rubber in the grommets rots in a few years, and since the panel can only be removed with special tool AR001.2399943.011034444.2.1.1, the rubber is hardly ever replaced and so tends to rattle. Enthusiasts of this car will have endless debates on the value of this panel, some will remove it, some will maintain it religiously, and at least one author will write a book telling you how to make a tool that will work out of a '73 GMC lug wrench. SWEDEN: The panel in a swedish car is held on with 25 screws. Curiously, one has to put the car in reverse in order to remove it. |
2001.11.3 |
| 086 | Why English Is Hard to Learn | 1) The bandage was wound around the wound. 2) The farm was used to produce produce. 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 4) We must polish the Polish furniture. 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. 9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 10) I did not object to the object. 11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 13) They were too close to the door to close it. 14) The buck does funny things when the does are present. 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail. 18) After a number of injections my jaw got number. 19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. 20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers' praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another? Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it. Hmmmmmmm? |
2001.11.22 |
| 087 | the real facts |
At last, we get the real facts. Ron Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop. Q: Is beer or wine bad for me? A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables. Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good. Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer? A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time. Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: What's the secret to healthy eating? A: Thicker gravy. Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Q. Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans... Another vegetable. It's the best feel good food around! I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie... flour is a veggie! "When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and salt." |
2002.1.17 |
| 088 | TAKE BEER TO WORK | Take a beer and send the truck to all of your friends!!!!!! |^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^\ || | B u d w e i s e r | ||'""|""\__, | _____________ l ||__|__|___|) (@! )'! (@)"""""**|(@)(@)****|(@) 16 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK... 1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It leads to more honest communications. 3. It reduces complaints about low pay. 4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear. 5. It encourages car pooling. 6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care. 7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. 8. It makes fellow employees look better. 9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. 10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted. 11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable. 12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar. 13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas. 14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break. 15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up. 16. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as gross." Take a beer and send the truck to all of your friends!!!!!! |^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^\ || | B u d w e i s e r | ||'""|""\__, | _____________ l ||__|__|___|) ""(@! )'! (@)"""""**|(@)(@)****|(@) Wish they had a better brand of Beer! Enjoy, Ron |
2002.1.30 |
| 089 | YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! | WORDS WOMEN
USE................................................ FINE This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments. FIVE MINUTES This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade. NOTHING This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine." GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine." GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. LOUD SIGH This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing." SOFT SIGH Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content. THAT'S OKAY This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. PLEASE DO This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay." THANKS A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome. THANKS A LOT This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing." Please send this out to ALL men that you know just to warn them about future arguments they can avoid just by remembering all this terminology. And send to all your women friends so they get a good laugh! Over to you. Ron |
2002.2.2 |
| 090 | Cheers |
I Noticed Vodka was left out of the tabulation. Perhaps some
correspondent can fill in the blank. Ron Before you order a drink in public, you should read this! Seven NewYork City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results: Drink: Beer Personality: Causal, low maintenance; down to earth. Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool. Drink: Blender Drinks Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass. Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy. Drink: Mixed Drinks Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants. Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink. Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel) Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles. Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends. Drink: White Zinfandel Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually she has NO clue. Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target. Drink: Shots Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk... and naked. Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however,be careful not to make her mad! Drink: Tequila No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there. THEN, there is the MALE addendum ---- The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut: Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to sleep with a woman...any woman. Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants sleep with a woman...any woman. Wine: He's hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him find a woman to sleep with...any woman. Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but sleeping with a woman...any woman. Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress. White Zinfandel: He's gay! Cheers, |
2002.2.26 |
| 091 | DON'T GIVE UP! | Do I detect a note of pessimism in English 101? Ron ENGLISH IS TOUGH STUFF ====================== Dearest creature in creation Study English pronunciation I will teach you in my verse Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse. I will keep you, Suzy, busy, Make your head with heat grow dizzy. Tear in eye, your dress will tear. So shall I! Oh hear my prayer. Just compare heart, beard, and heard, Dies and diet, lord and word, Sword and sward, retain and Britain. (Mind the latter, how it's written) Now I surely will not plague you With such words as plaque and ague. But be careful how you speak Say break and steak, but bleak and streak. Cloven, oven, how and low, Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe. Hear me say, devoid of trickery, Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore, Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles, Exiles, similes, and reviles; Scholar, vicar and cigar, Solar, mica, war and far; One, anemone, Balmoral, Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel; Gertrude, German, wind and mind, Scene, Melpomene, mankind. Billet does not rhyme with ballet, Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet. Blood and flood are not like food, Nor is mould like should and would. Viscous, viscount, load and broad, Toward, to forward, to reward. And your pronunciation's OK When you correctly say croquet, Rounded, wounded, grieve, and sieve, Friend, and fiend, alive and live. Ivy, privy, famous; clamour And enamour rhyme with hammer. River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb, Doll and roll and some and home. Stranger does not rhyme with anger, Neither does devour with clangour. Soul but foul, haunt but aunt, Font, front, wont, want, grand and grant. Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger, And then singer, ginger, linger, Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge, and gauge, Marriage, foliage, mirage and age. Query does not ryhme with very. Nor does fury sound like bury. Dost, lost, post and doth cloth loth. Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath. Though the differences seem little We say actual but victual. Refer does not rhyme with deafer. Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer. Mint, pint, senate and sedate; Dull, bull, and George ate late. Scenic, Arabic, Pacific, Science, conscience, scientific. Liberty, library, heave and heaven Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven We say hallowed, but allowed, People, leopard, towed but vowed. Mark the differences moreover, Between mover, cover, clover. Leeches, breeches, wise, precise, Chalice, but police and lice; Camel, constable, unstable, Principal, disciple, label. Petal, panel and canal, Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal. Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair, Senator, spectator, mayor. Tour, but our and succour, four. Gas, alas, and Arkansas. Sea, idea, Korea, area. Psalm, Maria, but malaria. Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean, Doctrine, turpentine, marine. Compare alien with Italian, Dandelion and battalion, Sally with ally, yea, ye Eye, I, ay, aye, whey and key. Say aver, but ever, fever, Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver. Heron, granary, canary. Crevice and device and aerie. Face, but preface, not efface. Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass. Large, but target, gin, give verging, Ought, out, joust, and scour scourging. Ear, but earn and wear and tear Do not rhyme with here but ere. Seven is right, but so is even, hyphen, roughen nephew Stephen, Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk, Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work. Pronunciation -- think of Psyche! Is it paling stout and spikey? Won't it make you lose your wits, Writing groats and saying grits? It's a dark abyss or tunnel: Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale, Islington and Isle of Wight, Housewife, verdict and indict. Finally, which rhymes with enough: Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough? Hiccough has the sound of cup; My advice is to just give up!!! -- Author unknown |
2002.2.26 |
| 092 | ON DESERT ISLANDS | More International clarification. Ron On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded: two Italian men, and one Italian woman two French men, and one French woman two German men, and one German woman two Greek men, and one Greek woman two English men, and one English woman two Bulgarian men, and one Bulgarian woman two Japanese men, and one Japanese woman two Chinese men, and one Chinese woman two American men, and one American woman two Australian men, and one Australian woman two New Zealander men, and one New Zealander woman two Irish men, and one Irish woman One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred: One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trios. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman. The two Greek men are sleeping with each other, and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean and another long look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming. The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions. The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor store/restaurant/laundry, & have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store. The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, because the American woman keeps on complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining. The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men. Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep. The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun. |
2002.3.8 |
| 093 | ESPECIALLY FOR SAN FRANCISCO RESIDENTS | They always knew. Residents of San Francisco are very critical of LA / Hollywood / etc. More than any other group they think that LA is really like the caricature in the "Drivers' Test". Ron NEW LA Drivers Exam For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California Driver's Exam, and for those of you who do, study real hard. This is a new exam. Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area. GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION: Name:___________________ Stage name________________ Agent:___________________ Attorney:_____________________ Therapist name:_________________ Sex: ___male ___female ___fomerly male ___formerly female ____both *If female, indicate breast implant size: _______ Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___ Please list brand of cell phone: ________. *If you don't own a cell phone, please explain:____________________ Please check hair color: Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde Teenagers: [ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply) [ ] Eating [ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee [ ] Applying make-up [ ] Shaving (male or female) [ ] Talking on the phone [ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat [ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs [ ] Tanning [X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for your convenience) [ ] Watching TV [ ] Reading Variety [ ] Surfing the net via laptop [ ] Discharging firearms / Reloading Please indicate how many times a) you expect to shoot at other drivers _____ b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving _____ If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately: a) Call the police to report the crime. b) Call Channel 9 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase. c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through. d) Call your therapist. In the event of an earthquake, you should : a) stop your car b) keep driving and hope for the best. c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones. d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 9. In the instance of rain, you should: a) never drive over 5 MPH. b) drive twice as fast as usual. c) you're not sure what "rain" is. Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ______. Are you presently taking any of the following medications? a) Prozac b) Zovirax c) Lithium d) Zanax e) Valium f) Zoloft g) All of the above h) None of the above *If none, please explain: __________________. Length of daily commute: a) Less than 1 hour b) 1 hour c) 2 hours d) 3 hours e) 4 hours or more * If less than 1 hour, please explain:____________________. When stopped by police, you should: a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready. b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway. c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit. When turning, you should always signal your intentions by: a) using your directional signals. b) what is a "directional signal"? Which part of your car will wear out most often? a) the wiper blades b) the belts c) the horn The "bright" setting on your headlights is for: a) dark, poorly lit roads b) flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way c) revenge! Your rear view mirror is for: a) watching for approaching cars b) watching for approaching police cars c) checking your hair |
2002.3.29 |
| 094 | New Element | Enjoy. Ron New Element Discovered . . . . Administratium A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element has been tentatively named "Administratium." Administratium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Administratium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Administratium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that. Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass." You will know it when you see it. Mr. Greenwood's comments: It seems that this new elements follows Parkinson's Law proposed by C. Northcote Parkinson in 1957. |
2002.4.14 |
| 095 | TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM | You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. AN AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead. A FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. A JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them Worldwide. A GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. A BRITISH CORPORATION You have two cows. Both are mad. AN ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch. A RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. A SWISS CORPORATION You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them. A HINDU CORPORATION You have two cows. You worship them. A CHINESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers. A WELSH CORPORATION You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute. |
2002.4.25 |
| 096 | THREE KICK RULE | Watch out for them good ol' boys. A big city lawyer went duck hunting in south Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Louisiana. We settle small disagreements like this with the Louisiana Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Louisiana Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck." Ron's contribution |
2002.5.8 |
| 097 | THERMODYNAMICS EXAM | This'll sort out the engineers. The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm. The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues via the internet, which is of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell. then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "....that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you." And take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze. The student received the only "A" given. Ron |
2002.6.25 |
| 098 | MEMORY! | [Whatever your politics, you gotta chuckle at this one] Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs, and Hillary got $8 million for hers. That's $20 million for two people, who for eight years repeatedly testified hey couldn't remember anything. |
2002.6.25 |
| 099 | The Alehouses of Tokyo | The following article I found in a Beer Newspaper here. Some
of the places sound worth a visit. News here is that, although Japanese Government reports show a large growth in the economy in the first quarter, most independent economists feel it is something of a fluke, which will be reversed next quarter as layoffs mount. However, the Nikkei doesn't agree since it seems to be continuing upwards. (The Dow is sliding down again, expecting Greenspan to raise interest rates later this month. If he does 1/4%, I expect the Dow to go back up again since its already discounting the change. Turbulent days! Regards, Ron Beer News The Alehouses of Tokyo By BRYAN HARRELL Microbrew (Ji-Beer) Popeye (in Ryogoku, 3633-2120) still remains the best place in Tokyo for Japanese microbrew. Alongside the biggest selection of microbrews on tap in Japan, new additions include taps for Hair of the Dog, Golden Rose and a few varieties of Rogue Ales imported into Japan by Phred Kaufman. Due to the higher cost of just about everything in this country, Japanese microbrew is expensive. However, publican Aoki-san does all he can to price the beer as low as possible and keep turnover high with sampler specials. Prices for the good pub food, however, are surprisingly reasonable for Tokyo, which helps to even out the equation. Also check out the selection of microbrewed sake. Ginga Kogen (in Akasaka, 3224-9686; Ginza, 3575-0850; Roppongi, 3405-8819; and Shibuya, 3406-1995) is a chain of brewery restaurants operated by Ginga Kogen Beer, one of Japan's largest microbrewery concerns with four good- sized breweries throughout Japan. The beers served in these Tokyo restaurants come either from the Gifu or Tochigi breweries and are very stable in flavor and quality. The best is the weizen, followed by a sturdy pilsner. The so-called stout would seem more like a porter if it wasn't fermented with weizen ale yeast. Prices for both beer and food are very reasonable, and the atmosphere is always bright and clean. TY Harbor Brewery (in Tennozu, 5479-4555) is out on the Tokyo waterfront in a somewhat inconvenient location, but well worth the trip. It has recently undergone changes in its restaurant operations, with new management by the innovative pair of Ian Tozer and David Chiddo, so look for more Pacific Rim/light Italian influences. Over the past year, the beer has become better and more even in quality. Recent seasonals include a tremendous Coffee Stout with a coarse, tan "milkshake" head. Best of the standard brews is the pale ale, which shows plenty of Cascade hop character. Saloon (in Roppongi, 5410-4988) is a more centrally located place to e 'oy the TY Harbor beers mentioned above. 'Roppongi is an area of bars and clubs and is one of the most popular nightspots in Tokyo for western ex-pats and U.S. military. personnel. Saloon also features pool tables and a cigar bar, which helps foreign patrons feel more at home. Speakeasy (in Ikebukuro, 5985-8177) is Tokyo's newest brewery restaurant, featuring pale ale, amber, wheat and stout brewed on the premises. Not the best microbrew in Tokyo, but still satisfactory and better at each visit Creative food and reasonable-prices all around. Belgian Ale 1 Although there are a number of great Belgian beer bars, there are relatively few Belgian taps in Tokyo. Although Hoegaarden White is on tap in a number of places around town, there are three places worthy of special note. The Cafe Hoegaarden (in Shinjuku, 5388-5523) also has Belle- Vue Kriek on tap, with well-prepared Belgian and Continental cuisine to boot. Good Belgian food can also be enjoyed at the lovely Bois Celeste (in Akasaka, 3588- 6292), which has Tokyo's best selection of bottled Belgian ales. Finally, the casual and cozy Belgo (in Shibuya, 3409- 4442; ) is a cash-on-delivery place that allows you to choose from a wide assortment of Belgian and other beers from its coolers, and take your choice to the counter to pay for it and receive the proper glass. British Ale The Warrior Celt (in Ueno, 38368588) has Tokyo's best selection of ales. In addition to- the increasingly ubiquitous Guinness, Bass Pale Ale and Kilkenny, owner Andy has managed to bring in kegs of Morland's Bitter, Old Speckled Hen, Ruddles County, The Tanner's Jack and two varieties of Sheppy's Cider - Bullfinch (dry) and Goldfinch (sweet). Live music, often Irish or Celtic, with no cover charge. The Black Lion (in Meguro, 349 1 2312) is a rambling, funky and friendly place, and perhaps the most "English" pub in terms of atmosphere, thanks in large part to friendly landlord Mike Marklew. Bass, Guinness, Old Speckled Hen and Dry Blackthorn Cider are on tap. German Beer Bernd's Bar (in Roppongi, 5563-9232) is the best place for German beer, with several varieties on tap, including Bitburger Pils, Jever Pilsener, Diebels Alt and Kostrizer Dunkel. A favorite of German ex-pats, no doubt because of the good food in large portions at fair prices. Your host is Bernd Haag, who hails from Dusseldorf. Online Info The Tokyo Food Page (www.bento.com) has a section on brewpubs and beer bars (www.bento.com/r-beer.asp) and also carries my Brews News newsletter (www.bento.com/tf- rest.html) featuring craft beer info in English for Tokyo residents. Log on and take a little tour of eating and drinking in Tokyo. A native of California, Bryan Harrell is a professional copywriter and journalist who has lived in Tokyo since 1977. He is the Tokyo correspondent for the Celebrator Beer News, and he can be reached at <HARRELL@GOL.COM>. |
99/6/12 |
| 100 | A MESSAGE | Found above a hot air drier in a rest room. "For a message from your Congressman, push button." Ron's contribution |
2002.8.2 |
| 101 | A BETTER INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY | Worried about your investments? Will the Stock market
recover? Is Real Estate appreciation a Bubble? Read on about a much better investment. While you may be familiar with stocks and bonds, currency speculation, IPOs and all the rest: there's a new investment arena you should be aware of ? legislation. If a mutual fund returns 20% a year that's considered quite good, but in the low risk, high-return world of legislation, a 20% return is positively lousy. There's no reason why your investment dollar can't return 100,000% or more. Too good to be true? Don't worry, it's completely legal. With the help of a professional legislation broker (called a Lobbyist), you place your investment (called a Campaign Contribution) with a carefully selected list of legislation manufacturers (called Members of Congress). These manufacturers then go to work, crafting industry-specific subsidies, inserting tax breaks into the code, extending patents or giving away public property for free. Just check out these results. The Timber Industry spent $8 million in campaign contributions to preserve the logging road subsidy worth $458 million -- the return on their investment was 5,725%. Glaxo Welcome invested $1.2 million in campaign contributions to get a 19 month patent extension on Zantac worth $1 billion -- their net return: 83,333% The Tobacco Industry spent $30 million in contributions for a tax break worth $50 billion -- the return on their investment: 167,000%. For a paltry $5 million in campaign contributions, the Broadcasting Industry was able to secure free digital TV licenses, a giveaway of public property worth $70 billion -- that's an incredible 1,400,000% return on their investment. Courtesy of Kevin Phillips, WEALTH AND DEMOCRACY, quoting <billionairesforgoreorbush.com> Ron's contribution |
2002.8.2 |
| 102 | no subject | Two old folks got married. As they were laying in their
wedding suite, staring at the ceiling, the old man says, "I haven't
been completely honest with you. I think the world of you, but you are
only number two to me. Golf is my first love. It's my hobby, my
passion, my first love." They both stare at the ceiling for a bit then the woman said, "While we're baring our souls, I guess I better tell you that I been a hooker all my life." The man jumps out of bed, looks at her a moment then says, "Have you tried widening your stance and adjusting your grip?" Bob Wilk's contribution |
2002.8.2 |
| 103 | UPDATED WORKPLACE DIRECTORY | Time to get away from all that 90's stuff. (I'll excuse the
SEAGULL). Ron NEW WORDS FOR 2002 - Essential additions for the workplace vocabulary: BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line answer to the couch potato. SITCOM: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trial was a prime example. Bill Clinton's Grand Jury testimony is another. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the daylights out of an electronic device to get it to work again. VULCAN NERVE PINCH: The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for some computer commands. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks |
2002.9.9 |
| 104 | FERRARI HIRING AGAIN? | There may be another vacancy. Ron In a press conference yesterday, Ross Brawn confirmed that Ferrari had fired their entire pit crew. The announcement was followed by Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the Irish Governments "Back To Work Scheme" and hired unemployed youths from Finglas and Ballymun. The decision to hire them was brought on by a documentary on how unemployed youths from the Northside were able to remove a set of car wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with all the mod con tools. This was thought to be an excellent yet bold move by Ferrari management, as most races are won and lost in the pits, they would have an advantage over every team. However Ferraris expectations were easily exceeded, as during the first practice session with the new Dublin crew, not only did they change the tyres in under six seconds but within ninety seconds they had the car resprayed, rebadged and sold to the McLaren Team for four dozen cans of Dutch Gold. |
2002.10.7 |
| 105 | GREAT THINKERS | 2001/9/1 11:21 Where is Dan Quayle now we need him? Ron "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." ---Former Vice-president Dan Quayle "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." ---Mariah Carey Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." ---Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are." ---Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show, August 22 "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." ---Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti smoking campaign. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." ---Winston Bennett, Univ. of KY basketball forward "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." ---Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." ---Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks "China is a big country with a lot of chinese people living there. ---Former French President Charles De Gaulle "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." ---A Congressional Candidate in Texas "Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind." ---General William Westmoreland And last but not least -- a parting word from Dan Quayle: "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." |
2002.10.20 |
| 106 | Virus Alert | PLEASE SEND THIS TO EVERYONE ON YOUR CONTACT LIST !! A new virus has just been discovered that has been classified by Microsoft as the most destructive ever! This virus was discovered yesterday afternoon by McAfee and no vaccine has yet been developed. This virus simply destroys Sector Zero from the hard disk, where vital information for its functioning are stored. This virus acts in the following manner: It sends itself automatically to all contacts on your list with the title "A Virtual Card for You." As soon as the supposed virtual card is opened, the computer freezes so that the user has to reboot. When the ctrl+alt+del keys or the reset button are pressed, the virus destroys Sector Zero, thus permanently destroying the hard disk. Yesterday in just a few hours this virus caused panic in New York, according to news broadcast by CNN. This alert was received by an employee of Microsoft itself. So don't open any mails with subject: "A Virtual Card for You." As soon as you get the mail, delete it. Please pass this mail to all of your friends. Forward this to everyone in your address book. I would rather receive this 25 times than not at all. Also: Intel announced that a new and very destructive virus was discovered recently. If you receive an email called "An Internet Flower For You, do not open it. Delete it right away! This virus removes all dynamic link libraries (.dll files) from your computer. Your computer will not be able to boot up !! We just got this from one of our friends at BBC and thought all of you would like to know about this. Hope all is well, Kevin Day Manager Belmont Brewing Company 25 - 39th Place Long Beach, CA 90803 562.433.3891 Fax: 562.434.0604 belmontbrew@earthlink.net www.belmontbrewing.com |
2002.10.20 |
| 107 | CA | Q. How many Californians does it take to screw in a light
bulb? A. Why bother? |
2002.10.20 |
| 108 | THE JAPANESE WAY | Bill Gates has lots to learn. I encounter the last one all
too often. Ron The Japanese Way Japanese replacements for Microsoft error messages: "In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict construction rules - each poem has only 17 syllables; 5 syllables in the first, 7 in the second, 5 in the third. They are used to communicate a timeless message, often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity. Here are 16 actual error messages from Japan. The Web site you seek Cannot be located, but Countless more exist. ------------------------- Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return. ------------------------- Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much. -------------------------- Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams. ---------------------------- Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that. ----------------------------- Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone. ---------------------------- Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down. ---------------------------- A crash reduces Your expensive computer To a simple stone. --------------------------- Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred. ---------------------------- You step in the stream, But the water has moved on. This page is not here. ---------------------------- Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will. ------------------------- Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped. ---------------------------- Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank. ----------------------------------- |
2002.10.27 |
| 109 | GREETINGS | In the spirit of the season. Merry Christmas and a Happy New
Year. Ron Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, Every creature was thirsty, including the mouse... The steins were empty, and the bottles were too The beer had been drunk with no time to brew. My family was nestled all snug in their beds While visions of Christmas Ale foamed in their heads. Mama in her kerchief lamented the drought, She craved a pilsner and I, a stout. When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my chair to see what was the matter. Away to the kitchen, I flew like a flash, Opening the door with a loud bang and crash! I threw on the switch and the lights, all aglow, Gave a luster of mid-day to the brew-pot below. When, what to my wondering eyes should appear But Gambrinus himself, the patron of beer. With a look in his eye, so lively and quick, He said, "You want beer? Well, here, take your pick." More rapid than eagles, his recipes came As he whistled and shouted and called them by name. "Now, Pilsener! Now, Porter! Now, Stout and Now Maerzen! On, Bitter! On, Lager! On, Bock and On Weizen!" "To the top of the bottles, the short and the tall, Now brew away, brew away, and fill them all!" As dried hops before a wild hurricane fly, And then, without warning, settle down with a sigh, So towards the brew-pot, the ingredients flew, Malt extract, roasted barley and crystal malt, too. And then in a twinkling, I heard it quite plain, The cracking open of each barley grain. As I drew in my head and was turning around, Into the kitchen, he came with a bound. He was dressed like a knight, from his head to his toes, With an old family crest adorning his clothes. A bundle of hops, he had flung on his back, And the brewing began when he opened his pack. His hops were so fragrant! His barley, how sweet! The adjuncts included Munich malt and some wheat. The malted barley was mashed in the tun, Then boiled with hops in the brew-pot 'till done. Excitement had me gnashing my teeth, As the sweet smell encircled my head like a wreath. Beer yeast was pitched, both lager and ale, The wort quickly fermented, not once did it fail. It was then krausened, or with sugar primed, And just being bottled when midnight had chimed. A wink of his eye and a twist of his head, Soon gave me to know, I'd be shortly in bed. He spoke not a word but kept on with his work, And capped all the bottles, then turned with a jerk. And laying a finger alongside his nose, He belched (quite a burp!) before he arose. Clean-up was easy, with only a whistle, And away the mess flew, like the down on a thistle. And I heard him exclaim, 'ere he left me the beer, "Merry Christmas to all! and a HOPPY New Year!" |
2003.1.16 |
| 110 | Oval Office | (We take you now to the Oval Office.) George: Condi (Condoleeza Rice)! Nice to see you. What's happening? Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China. George: Great. Lay it on me. Condi: Hu is the new leader of China. George: That's what I want to know. Condi: That's what I'm telling you. George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China? Condi: Yes. George: I mean the fellow's name. Condi: Hu. George: The guy in China. Condi: Hu. George: The new leader of China. Condi: Hu. George: The Chinaman! Condi: Hu is leading China. George: Now whaddya' asking me for? Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China. George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China? Condi: That's the man's name. George: That's who's name? Condi: Yes. George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East. Condi: That's correct. George: Then who is in China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir is in China? Condi: No, sir. George: Then who is? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Condi: No, sir. George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone. Condi: Kofi? George: No, thanks. Condi: You want Kofi? George: No. Condi: You don't want Kofi. George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N. Condi: Yes, sir. George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi? George: Milk! Will you please make the call? Condi: And call who? George: Who is the guy at the U.N? Condi: Hu is the guy in China. George: Will you stay out of China?! Condi: Yes, sir. George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi. George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone. (Condi picks up the phone.) Condi: Rice, here. George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East? Mr. Koya's contribution |
2003.1.16 |
| 118 | FOR DEMOCRATS ONLY | Perhaps even some Republicans? Enjoy. Ron While walking down the street one day, George "Dubya" Bush is shot by a disgruntled NRA member. His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem: We seldom see a Republican around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says Dubya. "I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself: He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity." "But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in Heaven." "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course; the sun is shining in a cloudless sky, the temperature a perfect 72 degrees. In the distance is a beautiful clubhouse. Standing in front of it is dad...and thousands of other Republicans who had helped him out over the years: Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, Jerry Falwell.... The whole of the "Right" was there...everyone laughing...happy.... casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the "suckers and peasants". They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Bush with a frosty drink, "Have a Margarita and relax, Dubya!". "Uh, I can't drink no more, I took a pledge," says Junior, dejectedly. "This is Hell, son: you can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!" Dubya takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like a Yale Skull and Bones brother with real horns. They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Bush steps on the elevator and heads upward. When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate. So for 24 hours Bush is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or frat boy joke among them; no fancy country clubs and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor, he doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special! Worst of all, to Dubya, Jesus turns out to be some kind of Jewish hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' jive. "Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself, "Pat Robertson never prepared me for this!" The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity." With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, Dubya reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this-I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all-but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends." So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste.. kind of like Houston. He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime. The Devil comes over to Dubya and puts an arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers a shocked Dubya, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar... drank booze. We screwed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!" The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us." |
2003.10.21 |
| 119 | Flies | A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer feel uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problem with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I've never heard of circle flies before." So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on local farms. See, they're called circle flies by locals because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for the highway patrol and police officers in general to even think about calling you a horse's ass." The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies, though!" |
2003.10.27 |
| 120 | COMPUTERS AND CARS | Worrying thought - don't modern cars rely on many computers? Ron At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon". In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads. 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light. 7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying. 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off. Feel free to share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer |
2003.11.1 |
| 122 | ANOTHER TERRORIST NETWORK | They didn't even mention that these people use secret number
symbols originating in the Arab world, rather than the good old XXVIX
that were good enough for Julius Caesar and Pope Peter. Ron Latest News from the Terror Fronts: Mathematics Succumbs Too At New York's Kennedy airport earlier today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x"and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. "As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared. When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes. "I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point,and draw the line." President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex." Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: "though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks." |
2003.12.17 |
| 123 | PC PARTY | Watch out! Ron READ FROM TOP TO BOTTOM:----- FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 01, 2003 RE: Christmas Party I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 02, 2003 RE: Holiday Party In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 03, 2003 RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director To: All Employees DATE: October 04, 2003 RE: Holiday Party What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from The dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!? Patty FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Fucking Employees DATE: October 05, 2003 RE: The Fucking Holiday Party Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!! FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director DATE: October 06, 2003 RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Holidays! |
2003.12.17 |
| 124 | Have Things Gotcha Down ? | Have things gotcha Down? Are ya havin' a Bad Day???? Well, then, consider this................ In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients in the same bed always died, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner. Having a Bad Day???? The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $ 80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both. Still think you're having a Bad Day?? A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman. STILL think you're having a Bad Day???? Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death. What?? STILL having a Bad Day???? Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There now, feeling better???? -Ron's contribution |
2004.3.11 |
| 126 | FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION | For those of us who watch what we eat, here's the final word
on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all
those conflicting medical studies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats, and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you. -Ron's contribution |
2004.5.3 |
| 127 | QUALIFICATION TEST | The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will
tell you whether you are qualified to be a "professional." Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question! 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? * * * * * * * * * * The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way. 2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? * * * * * * * * * * Did you say, "Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?" Wrong Answer. Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions. 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend... except one ... Which animal does not attend? * * * * * * * * * * * * Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly,you still have one more chance to show your true abilities. 4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by crocodiles,and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it? * * * * * * * * * Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes. According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old. Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends. |
2004.5.23 |
| 129 | FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS! | A tough call to make... With all your honour and dignity, what would you do? This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thought. By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and consider each line - this is important for the test to work accurately. You're in Florida...In Miami, to be exact... There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods . There are huge masses of water all over you.... You are a CNN Photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water. Nature is showing all its destroying power and is ripping everything away with it. Suddenly, you see a man in the water, he is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. Suddenly, you know who it is - it's George W. Bush! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away...forever. You have two options. You can save him or you can take the best photo of your life. So you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo. A unique photo displaying the death of one of the world's most powerful men. And here's the question: (Please give an honest answer) Would you select colour film, or go with the simplicity of classic black and white? from Ron |
2004.9.30 |
| 137 | NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE | NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE TO CITIZENS OF THE
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA In light of your failure to make the correct decision in selecting your President, thus showing you to be unfit to govern yourselves, we hereby give you notice of the revocation of your independence effective as of Monday 8th November 2004. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories, except Utah, which she doesn't much fancy. Your new Prime Minister, the Rt. Hon. Tony Blair M.P., for the 97.85% of you unaware of the outside world, will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated in twelve months time to determine if any of you noticed. To aid your transition into a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. All citizens are to look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. While there, check the pronunciation guide for "aluminium" - this may be surprising for you. Generally attempt to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same 27 words interspersed with "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable form of communication. Look up "interspersed". 2. There is no such thing as "U.S. English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. 3. Learn to distinguish British and Australian accents. It's not difficult. 4. Hollywood will henceforth be required to occasionally cast Englishmen as good guys. 5. Re-learn your original anthem, "God Save the Queen". Please ensure that you have complied with the first law before attempting this. 6. Stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of "football". What you refer to as "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you aware of a world outside of your borders may have noticed that no one else plays it. Play proper football instead; to start with get the girls to help you - it is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, eventually, be allowed to play rugby, which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies. 7. Declare war on Quebec and France, using nukes if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you unaware of the outside world should count yourselves lucky - the Russians have never really been bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh*t". 8. 4th July is no longer a public holiday. 2nd November will be the new national holiday. 9. American cars are hereby banned. They are crap; it's for your own good. When we show you German cars you'll understand. 10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. THANK YOU FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION. from Ron |
2004.11.25 |
| 138 | E-MAIL FROM GOD | One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the
terrible behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down
to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent her to Earth for a time. When she returned, she told God, "Yes, it's bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not." He thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion. So God called another angel and sent her to Earth for a time, too. When the angel returned she went to God and said, "Yes, the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good." God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good because He wanted to encourage them and give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what that E-mail said? . . . . . . . . . . . No? You didn't get one either, huh? From J. Matsui |
2004.12.8 |
| 139 | ELEVEN ON A ROPE | This is especially endorsed by Connie. 11 on a rope! Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices, with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands....... Ron |
2005.1.14 |
| 140 | CALIFORNIA SECESSION | Subject: CALIFORNIA SENT THIS SECESSION LETTER TO GEORGE BUSH
TODAY! Dear President Bush: Congratulations on your victory over all us non-evangelicals. Actually, we're a bit ticked off here in California, so we're leaving. California will now be its own country. And we're taking all the Blue States with us. In case you are not aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, and all of the North East. We spoke to God, and she agrees that this split will be beneficial to almost everybody, and especially to us in the new country of California. In fact, God is so excited about it, she's going to shift the whole country at 4:30 PM EST this Friday. Therefore, please let everyone know they need to be back in their states by then. So you get Texas and all the former slave states. We get the Governator, stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay. (Okay, we have to keep Martha Stewart, we can live with that.) We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Old Miss'. We get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get all the technological innovation in Alabama. We get about two-thirds of the tax revenue, and you get to make the red states pay their fair share. Since our divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms to support, and we know how much you like that. Did I mention we produce about 70% of the nation's veggies? But heck, the only greens the Bible-thumpers eat are the pickles on their Big Macs. Oh yeah, another thing, don't plan on serving California wine at your state dinners. From now on it's imported French wine for you. (Ouch, bet that hurts!) Just so we're clear, the country of California will be pro-choice and anti-war. Speaking of war, we're going to want all Blue States' citizens back from Iraq. If you need people to fight, just ask your evangelicals. They have tons of kids they're willing to send to their deaths for absolutely no purpose. And they don't care if you don't show pictures of their kids' caskets coming home. Anyway, we wish you all the best in the next four years and we hope, really hope, you find those missing weapons of mass destruction. Seriously. Soon. Sincerely, California Ron's contribition |
2005.1.29 |
| 141 | A STRAND BREWERS CLUB RECOMMENDATION - J | Don't forget to take extra beer on vacation. Ron Man peed way out of avalanche A Slovak man trapped in his car under an avalanche freed himself by drinking 60 bottles of beer and urinating on the snow to melt it. Rescue teams found Richard Kral drunk and staggering along a mountain path four days after his Audi car was buried in the Slovak Tatra mountains. He told them that after the avalanche, he had opened his car window and tried to dig his way out. But as he dug with his hands, he realised the snow would fill his car before he managed to break through. He had 60 half-litre bottles of beer in his car as he was going on holiday, and after cracking one open to think about the problem he realised he could urinate on the snow to melt it, local media reported. He said: "I was scooping the snow from above me and packing it down below the window, and then I peed on it to melt it. It was hard and now my kidneys and liver hurt. But I'm glad the beer I took on holiday turned out to be useful and I managed to get out of there." Parts of Europe have this week been hit by the heaviest snowfalls since 1941, with some places registering more than ten feet of snow in 24 hours. |
2005.2.17 |
| 142 | DARWIN AWARDS - 2004 | One of the world's great competitions - been held for
millennia. Hard to believe, but another year has passed. Once again, it's time for the Darwin Award Nominees. Never ceases to amaze me..... This year's nine nominees are: Nominee No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut. Glad to see California represented, as always. > > > Nominee No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]: James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, MI, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft." > > > Nominee No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]: Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear. (For whatever reason, residents of Southern states always seem to figure prominently among the Darwin nominees.) > > > Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto]: Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. (Nice to see another Canadian province getting into the awards.... The Maritimes always have been heavily involved.) > > > Nominee No. 5: [Bloomberg News Service]: A terrible diet and a room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas emissions. There was no mark on his body, and an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his nearly airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick, and one was hospitalized. > > > Nominee No. 6: [The News of the Weird]: Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted. (South Carolina entrants are always perennial favorites.) > > > Nominee No. 7: [The Indianapolis Star]: A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, IN. A Jay County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited. > > > Nominee No. 8: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]: A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said. (Another Ontario entry.... I wonder if people are moving there from the Maritime Provinces.) > > > Finally, THE WINNER!!!: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]: Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip on an overcast Sunday night when Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge. After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting the pavement, and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might both be dead," stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck??? (Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole DID, in fact, effectively remove himself from the gene pool.) Growing older but not growing up - Ron |
2005.2.17 |
| 143 | Old Harold's In The Hospital | Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital. There
was one young nurse that just drove him crazy.
Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a
little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how
are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we
hungry?" |
2005.3.25 |
| 144 | NOTEWORTHY | It sounds good to me, but I'm musically illiterate, so cannot
say how valid this is. If any of you know the lingo I hope you get a
deeper laugh. Ron A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural. Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, and the sopranout in the bathroom, and everything has become altoo much treble, he needs a rest, and closes the bar. Hints: minors=be under age fifth=1/5 of US gallon bottle=760ml bottle |
2005.10.11 |
| 145 | OUTSOURCING |
We've got to remain competitive.
"Congress today announced that the office of President of
the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of
December 26th, 2005. The move is being made to save the
President's $400,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521
billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead the office
has incurred during the last 5 years.
"We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be significant," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). Reynolds, with the aid of the Government Accounting Office, has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "We cannot expect to remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted. Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for sometime. Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India will be assuming the office of President as of January 1, 2006. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits. It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the American Express call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President." A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem because Bush was not familiar with the issues either. Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issues at all. "We know these scripting tools work" stated the spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years." Mr. Singh may have problems with the Texas drawl, but lately Bush has abandoned the "down home" persona in his effort to appear intelligent and on top of the Katrina situation. Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two-week waiting period, he will be eligible for $240 a week unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit. Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical work experience. A Greeter position at Walmart was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience shaking hands and phony smile. Another possibility is Bush's reenlistment in the Texas Air National Guard. His prior records are conspicuously vague but should he choose this option, he would likely be stationed in Waco, TX for a month before being sent to Iraq, a country he has visited. "I've been there, I know all about Iraq," stated Mr. Bush, who gained invaluable knowledge of the country in a visit he once made to the Baghdad Airport's terminal and gift shop." Ron |
2006.2.5 |
| 147 | GLOBALIZATION | Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization? Answer: Princess Diana's death Question: How come? Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling), followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This is sent to you by an American, using Bill Gates's technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.... That, my friends, is Globalization!
Ron |
2007.9.9 |
| 148 | ONE CONSERVATIVE ON DUBYA | Quote of the Day: Ronald Reagan on Dubya 'A moment I've been dreading. George brought his ne'er-do-well son around this morning and asked me to find the kid a job. Not the political one who lives in Florida. The one who hangs around here all the time looking shiftless. This so-called kid is already almost 40 and has never had a real job. Maybe I'll call Kinsley over at The New Republic and see if they'll hire him as a contributing editor or something. That looks like easy work.' From the just published REAGAN DIARIES. The entry is dated May 17, 1986. Ron |
2007.9.9 |
| 149 | The Mistress | A phrase that can be used for many occasions. Ron A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine
restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to
their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later
and walks away. |
2007.9.27 |
| 150 | Amazing | An Israeli doctor says: 'Medicine in my country is so
advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another,
and have him looking for work in six weeks.' A German doctor says: 'That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks. A Russian doctor says:'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.' The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says: 'You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work.' Ron |
2008.6.27 |
| 164 | STUPID PEOPLE AWARDS - 2010 | Here is the glorious winner: 1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. And now, the honorable mentions: 2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved. 3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her. 4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days. 5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit. 6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer..... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?] 7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run... So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. 8.. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from." 9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M.., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER] 10... When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost. *** Remember.... They walk among us!!!*** Ron |
2010.8.4 |
| 166 | Before and After Marriage | Before Marriage - - - He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait. She: Do you want me to leave? He: NO! Don't even think about it. She: Do you love me? He: Of course! Over and over! She: Have you ever cheated on me? He: NO! Why are you even asking? She: Will you kiss me? He: Every chance I get! She: Will you hit me? He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person! She: Can I trust you? He: Yes. She: Darling! After marriage - - - simply read from bottom to top. -Redwing contribution |
2010.9.9 |
| 167 | Highly Recommended Kulula Airlines..For Your Next Trip!! | ---Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn't
take itself too seriously. Check out their new livery! Subject: From the cockpit on KULULA.COM- South Africa's Budget Airline WHAT A PITY KULULA DOESN'T FLY INTERNATIONALLY - WE SHOULD SUPPORT THEM IF ONLY FOR THEIR HUMOUR - SO TYPICALLY SOUTH AFRICAN. Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg . Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: -------------------------------------------------------------------- On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!" ---o0o--- On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants." ----o0o--- On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have." ----o0o--- "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane." ---o0o--- "Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." ---o0o--- As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" ---o0o--- After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." ---o0o--- From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised." ---o0o--- "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favorite." ---o0o--- Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines." ----o0o--- "Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments." ---o0o--- "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.." ---o0o--- And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!" ---o0o--- Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt." ---o0o--- Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" ---o0o--- Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." ---o0o--- An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?" ---o0o--- After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.." ---o0o--- Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways." ---o0o--- Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em." ---o0o--- A plane was taking off from Durban Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town , The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOODNESS!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger then yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!" -Redwing contribution |
2010.9.29 |
| 192 | The Tiger Oil Memo | From the offices of the
now-defunct but
at one time Houston-based Tiger Oil Company come a total of 22
enormously entertaining memos; all sent by, or on behalf of, the firm's
incredibly amusing, painfully tactless, and seemingly constantly angry
CEO - Edward 'Tiger Mike' Davis - to his staff. -Egil contibution |
2011.10.01 |
| 193 | Harleys |
The inventor of the
Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.' Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.' St. Peter took Arthur to the Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? ' Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...' God commented: 'Well, what 's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?' Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?' God said, yes.' 'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention ! 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds 3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much 4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust 5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!! 'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.' God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. 'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'. |
2015.11.24 |
| 194 | Modern Civilization in
2017- This is priceless! |
Our Phones- Wireless Cooking- Fireless Cars- Keyless, now driverless Food- Fatless (this is misconception! Carbohydrate less is correct) Tires-Tubeless Dress- Sleeveless Youth- Jobless Leaders- Shameless Relationships- Meaningless Attitudes- Careless Babies- Fatherless Feelings- Heartless Education- Valueless Children– Mannerless We are-SPEECHLESS, Government-is CLUELESS, And our Politicians are WORTHLESS! I'm scared - Shitless! contribution of my friend |
2017.7.27 |
195 |
to be SON-IN-LAW |
I TOLD MY SON, "YOU WILL MARRY
THE GIRL I CHOOSE." HE SAID, "NO." I TOLD HIM, "SHE IS BILL GATES' DAUGHTER." HE SAID, "YES." I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID, "I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY SON." BILL GATES SAID, "NO." I TOLD BILL GATES, "MY SON IS THE CEO OF THE WORLD BANK" BILL GATES SAID, "OK." I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE CEO. HE SAID, "NO." I TOLD HIM, "MY SON IS BILL GATES' SON-IN-LAW." HE SAID, "OK" AND THAT'S EXACTLY HOW POLITICS WORKS. Thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government . The practice is unbroken to this date. contribution of Mr. William Sumner |