Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) - Bowing to international pressure not to act
unilaterally, the United States reversed course today and promised to consult
with its allies before doing whatever the hell it was going to do anyway.
Hoon and Rumsfeld
<http://www.satirewire.com/news/feb02/images/bush_powell.jpg>
President Bush (right) shows off his diplomatic side (left).
"Prior to taking action against any enemy nation, such as Iraq, we will confer
with our allies, as well as other countries in that region," pledged U.S.
President George W. Bush. "We will sit down with them. We will begin by
explaining what our position is, and then we will... no, wait. That's it."
The announcement failed to assuage world leaders, who worry the U.S. will lead
them all into a wider conflict without their consent. Bush, however, said his
administration was well aware of international concerns, and would handle them
internally.
Except for effect, the administration said its new stance overturns earlier,
much-maligned statements insisting America would act unilaterally, if necessary,
to oust enemy regimes. But the President said he recently was shown a new
perspective by Secretary of State Colin Powell, who is generally regarded as a
check on the administration's hawks.
"Colin Powell told me that acting alone was not in our long-term interests
because, as he put it, 'No man is an island,'" Bush recalled. "Of course, I
pointed out that America is a nation, not a man, and that lots of nations are
islands, so I didn't really 'get' his argument. But do like to say 'Colin
Powell' whenever I talk about foreign affairs because it makes me look
diplomatic."
European Union external affairs chief Chris Patten, however, was not appeased.
"What's the point of even talking to your allies if your mind is already made
up?" he asked. "It's little more than feel-good lip service."
Replied Bush: "Colin Powell."
German Foreign Minister Joschka Fischer, meanwhile, was one of several voices
calling for restraint. "We are all concerned that Saddam Hussein is developing
weapons of mass destruction, but the international coalition against terror has
no carte blanche for an invasion of any country," Fischer insisted. In response,
Bush said "Colin Powell," and added that his staff has a solution.
"We've created a one-page form that allows us to declare war on Iraq for you,"
he explained. "It really streamlines the consensus process for everyone."
"That is not consensus!" Fischer railed. "That is worse!"
Answered Bush: "Oh, in that case, just Colin Powell."
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Copyright 2002, SatireWire.
October 14, 2002